In Search of Aspirin
by Stickki
Summary: Commander Shepard is a sarcastic lout, with a constant hangover and a nasty chain-smoking habit. For some reason, only he can save the galaxy. He must collect a team of misfits, religious zealots and stereotypes to fight the Reapers...
1. The Outbacker and the Black Guy

**Commander Shepard, the hero of the Galaxy, the Savior of the Citadel, the first human Spectre…**

Shepard moaned quietly. He tried to open his eyes, but the light hurt them. Where the hell was he? Why was he still in his armor? Who won the Galactic Idol? Had he been drinking cat piss?

"Shepard! Will the Alliance get here in time?" Ashley Williams asked, but then noticed the Commander laying on the floor "What are you doing on the floor?"

"Resting," he muttered, climbing back to his feet.

"What? Now? The ship is blowing up!" Ashley yelled, starting to get angry.

A very loud explosion sounded, and it shook the ship. Ashley only staggered slightly, but Shepard had to fight to stay on his feet.

"So it seems," he still staggered wildly.

"Well, we have to get out of here!"

Shepard sighed "Well, let's go then."

He put on his helmet and started walking forward. It looked more like staggering than walking.

Ashley grabbed him by the shoulder "Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't go. I won't go either!"

Shepard rubbed his forehead in frustration "I'll get him out, you get yourself to the emergency pods."

He was starting to feel sick, and his head hurt terribly. He growled lowly.

"Shepard…" she muttered, lowering her head.

"Just go, damn it," he ordered, and she turned to leave "Wait a sec! You got any cigarettes or aspirin?"

Ashley just snorted, and started to run towards the pods.

"This day just keeps getting better and better," Shepard muttered, as he began to jog towards the cockpit.

* * *

The jogging didn't exactly improve his condition, and seeing his crew dead didn't help it either.

"Shit, that guy owed me fifty bucks," he muttered, when he noticed one of his crew mates floating around.

He entered the CIC, and saw a gaping hole on the ceiling. He carefully walked through the area, and entered the cockpit. It was still pressurized, but out of air. Joker was still sitting at his console, mask on, trying to fly the Normandy.

"You made me jog here, asshole! Let's go!" Shepard snapped.

"No! I can still save her! I can save the Normandy! " Joker whimpered.

Everybody's whining was already starting to make Shepard angry, and he'd only been awake for two minutes.

He rubbed his forehead again "You got any aspirin?"

Joker turned his head towards the Commander "What? No!"

"Thought so," Shepard sighed, and punched Joker to the face. He fell to the floor.

"Sorry," Shepard muttered, and lifted Joker on to his shoulder. He jogged to the nearest emergency pod, and tossed Joker inside. He landed on the floor and Shepard could hear his bones breaking.

It made him grimace in disgust "Whoops, the Vrolik thing…"

As he said the words, there was another large explosion, and it sent him flying to the other side of the room. He landed next to the launch button, and he hit it. The last pod was gone now. Before he could think about what that meant, there was again another explosion. It ripped the hull open, and Shepard flew into space.

His suit had many ruptures, and it was depressurizing quickly "Better and better," he muttered.

He was going to die, but that was not the worst of it. The worst of it was, that he was going to die without getting to smoke one cigarette.

Suddenly, he saw one flying towards him. He managed to grab it, but then realized that there was no way he could smoke it. He tossed the cigarette away in frustration, when some debris hit him in the face.

Everything went dark.

* * *

Shepard's eyes opened, and he saw a woman standing next to him. She had black hair, blue eyes and large…assets. She wore a black brimmed hat. The hat's brim had corks hanging from it, and the hat's crown had some kind of a teeth-chain around it. Shepard didn't remember anything, something that he had experienced many times, but this time he had woken up next to a good-looking woman…

"Crikey, Shepard's up!" the woman exclaimed.

That didn't sound too good.

"Isn't that what we are trying to do?" a male voice asked, and Shepard heard a loud slap.

A male? This really didn't sound good.

"Go back to your cage, Wilson!" the hat-woman snarled at the voice.

"I hate you!" the voice whimpered.

The woman turned back to Shepard "More sedatives…" she muttered, then gave him a small wave "Ta-ta!"

Everything went dark again.

* * *

"Shepard, get up! We're under attack!"

Shepard opened his eyes, and again, the light hurt them. Where the hell was he now? He sat up and felt lots of pain, especially in the head. He managed to stand up, and the speaker spoke again.

"Grab your armor and a pistol from the locker!"

"Just a sec, honey," Shepard muttered, rubbing his forehead. He felt horrible, like being ran over by a krogan on steroids.

"You don't have much time Shepard!"

"How the hell you figure I have time to put on my combat suit?"

"You'll see…"

Shepard walked to the locker, and as he touched it, the suit appeared on him. A pistol had also appeared into his hand.

Well, that was weird.

He squeezed the trigger, but the weapon didn't go off.

"You gave me a broken pistol?"

"It's not broken, it just doesn't have a thermal clip."

A thermal clip? What the hell's that?

Shepard lifted his hands in defeat "You know what? I don't even try anymore. Just tell me where to go."

"Go to the next room then. The guard's dead, and he has a free clip."

"Right," Shepard began walking towards the door.

It opened, and Shepard stepped inside. He saw a clip on the ground, and it flickered weirdly. He bent down to grab it, when it suddenly disappeared, and reappeared into his pocket. He just shrugged, and reloaded the pistol. Somehow he just knew how.

"Why didn't this gun have the clip?"

"I took it off for self-preservation. Everyone hates me here," the woman on the speaker answered.

"Can't imagine why…" Shepard muttered, and entered the next room.

Some kind of robot entered the room, and aimed it's pistol towards Shepard.

"Watch out Shepard, enemies!" the speaker-lady yelled.

The robot began firing, and the rounds hit Shepard's shields.

"I can see that," he snapped and shot the robot to the head casually. It fell down.

"Next room!" the woman ordered.

Shepard did not answer, but merely growled.

He arrived to the next room, and five robots came through the door on the other end.

"More mechs! Take cover, Shepard!"

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered in annoyance, and shot one mech to the head, one to the groin, one to the arm and the fourth one to the leg. All the four mechs fell down, and the last remaining one exploded from sheer awesomeness.

"Grab...cher…" the woman on the speaker tried to say something, but the radio died.

Shepard frowned "Grab Cher? Isn't she dead?"

He grabbed the grenade launcher from the next room, and destroyed four mechs with one grenade. Then he took an elevator down, and entered the next room.

* * *

A black man was fighting against three mechs on a bridge.

"Stay down bitch!" the man yelled, as he shot one of them.

Shepard sighed and casually shot the two remaining ones. The black man got up, and started walking towards him.

"Damn! That's some nasty killing!" he complimented, then his eyes widened "Yo, you're that Shepard dawg! I'm Jacob Taylor, bitch."

"You're a speed skater or something?" Shepard asked, glaring at the man's skintight outfit.

"Nah man! Our boss just likes the tights," Jacob took a step back, and frowned "But don't go staring me like that man! Am a love interest, but not for homies, dawg!"

Still, Shepard kept staring at him, unbelieving. He had only been awake for a few minutes, and was already starting to attract freaks.

"The shuttles are this way! We should go man!" Jacob broke the silence, gesturing towards the door behind him.

"A few questions first…"

Jacob nodded eagerly "Aiight, boy. Ya'll must have tons of questions!"

"Yeah, two. One: you got aspirin?"

"Aspirin?" Jacob asked, glancing around nervously "I don't do drugs man," he said loudly, still glancing around.

Shepard sighed in frustration "How 'bout some cigarettes?"

Jacob kept glancing around.

"Look, man…just don't tell anyone," he whispered, and handed Shepard a…joint.

"What the hell is this? It looks like somebody stepped on it," Shepard snapped, and tossed the joint off the bridge.

Jacob ran to the bridge's railing "Damn, man! That was some grade-a shit!" he yelped.

"Like your brains. Let's go."

* * *

Bang, bang, bang. They killed more mechs, and after a while, found an injured man named Wilson.

"Help! They shot me!" he yelled. His leg was covered in blood.

Shepard touched a medigel-machine-thing on the wall, and some medigel appeared into his pocket. He tapped a button called Unity on his suit, and Wilson got up.

"How the…?" Wilson muttered in disbelief.

Shepard shrugged "A voice in my head told me to do that."

Jacob and Wilson both looked slightly frightened.

The door opened again, and few mechs surged into the room.

"Order me to blow up those boxes!" Wilson yelled.

"Why the hell do you need my order to do that?"

Wilson began to shake, and foam came from his mouth "Do it!"

"Jesus! All right! Blow them up!"

Wilson blew up the boxes, and the mechs died.

They went through the next room, and opened the door. Behind it was the cork-hat-woman, who raised her pistol and shot Wilson to the head.

Hat-woman then turned towards Shepard, and flashed a sparkling smile "G'day mate! Am Miranda!"

Shepard frowned, pointing his gun at her "Why did you shot him?"

"He betrayed us. Apparently he didn't like the cage."

"And he was bald," Shepard remarked dryly, holstering his gun "Now, where the hell am I?"

"We work for Cerberus, man," Jacob chimed in "The Illusive Man's the top dog, and we're at the Voyager cluster, syste—" Jacob was interrupted by Miranda.

"Shut up Jacob. That's classified!"

"_The Illusive Man_?" Shepard asked, grinning "He's not a comic book character? Is he?"

Shepard wouldn't actually even be surprised.

Miranda looked angry "No," and her tone of voice was cold "You'll see when you meet him."

Shepard shrugged "I guess I don't have anything better to do…"


	2. Damsel in Distress

Shepard, Miranda and Jacob were sitting inside the shuttle, traveling towards the secret headquarters of the elusive Illusive Man.

Illusive Man…what sort of a name was that anyway? He sounded like a Batman Villain.

"How are you feeling, Commander?" Miranda asked, interrupting Shepard's thoughts.

"Lively, for a corpse," Shepard answered.

"We were supposed to run multiple tests, to confirm that your abilities are on the same level as before…"

"Damn girl! I saw Shepard poppin' the mechs no sweat! He's aiight…" Jacob chimed in.

Miranda frowned, glaring at Jacob "We do not know about his mental state. We have to be sure."

"Fine. Ask your damn questions," Shepard muttered, leaning backwards. Again, his head felt terrible.

Miranda dug up an OSD from somewhere, and tapped it a few times. She glanced at Shepard, and smiled pleasantly.

"What is your favorite color?"

"What the hell is that question supposed to measure? My decorating skills?" Shepard snapped.

Miranda's face wrinkled in anger "Fine. Next question. You were born a spacer, raised in a military family. Your mother was recently offered a promotion as an Admiral, but refused it for your sake. What's your relationship with her?"

"Simple. She nags and I nod," Shepard muttered "You said she refused the promotion for me?"

Miranda nodded, and Shepard lowered his head "Great ma…I'm gonna hear about this a lot…"

"Interesting," Miranda muttered, tapping the OSD "Next question: You were stationed on Elysium during the Skyllian Blitz. You single-handedly repelled the batarian assault and were named Hero of the Elysium. You recall this?"

"I wasn't alone. There were at least two guys with me," Shepard shrugged.

"I see…" Miranda muttered, eyeing towards her OSD again "It says here that during the battle, you shot down two gunships by yourself. How did you manage that?"

"Good aim."

Miranda squeezed her eyes shut in frustration "Could you be a little more descriptive?"

Shepard leaned forward "Look lady, I've been dead for two years, my head is killing me, and I'm stuck inside this tin can with the World Cycling All-Stars."

"Cycling?" Miranda asked, lifting an eyebrow.

Shepard pointed at their skintight outfits "Look what you're wearing! Where did you get those? 'Catsuits Rule'?"

Miranda straightened her posture "It's Cerberus protocol," she said proudly.

"And I bet the Illusive Man wears spandex as well?"

Miranda glanced around nervously, then pointed at the shuttle's window "Look, we've arrived!"

Shepard looked through the window, and saw that they had just docked somewhere.

* * *

Shepard stepped inside some kind of circle, and immediately many lights started scanning him. Suddenly, the world around him changed.

He saw a large window, showing the star the station was orbiting. Next to the window, a man dressed up in a black suit sat on a chair. He had a white cat on his lap and he was petting it.

"Mr. Bon— uh, Shepard!" the man greeted.

"You're the Illusive Man? Frankly, I was expecting another spandex freak."

"Spandex has a certain…feel to it," the Man answered, smoking a cigarette.

Shepard had not smoked a single cigarette ever since he woke up, and seeing someone else do so was intolerable.

"Yeah, kinkiness. You wanted to see me?" Shepard lifted an eyebrow "Not in spandex, I hope."

"No, no. You're quite stylish. For now," TIM answered, weighing Shepard "Though a scarf wouldn't hurt…"

"Might hurt you."

"Empty threat? To which I'm supposed to retort sarcastically? Let's not," TIM poked the cat and it jumped out of his lap, screeching.

TIM rose up "Entire human colonies are disappearing. I'm sending you to Freedom's Progress, the latest one."

"If it's disappeared, how can I go there?" Shepard asked, scratching his neck.

"The colonists have disappeared you big goofy," TIM said softly, brushing him off weirdly "Not the colony itself."

Something in the way TIM carried himself was a little disturbing.

"Right. Well, I'll go on one condition."

"Name it, handsome."

Okay, definitely disturbing.

"I-I want cigarettes and aspirin."

"That can be arranged…when you get back."

Shepard lowered his head in defeat "Fine."

"Take Jacob and Miranda, and investigate the colony. Understood?"

"Do I really have to take those two freaks with me?"

"Yes," TIM said strictly, and cut off the communication.

* * *

Shepard entered the room where Miranda and Jacob had stayed during his talk with TIM.

"Shepard-dawg," Jacob greeted, and snapped a very sharp salute.

Shepard felt his mouth open in surprise "You've actually been in the military?"

"Aye homie, but the politicians never let us do shit."

"I hear ya. Where have you served?"

"Eden Prime, bro. Quit the Alliance after the geth attack. Could bitch about the government, wanna hear?"

"No."

"You're a curt motherfucker!" Jacob slapped Shepard on the shoulder "I like that shit man! By the way, do you trust me?"

"You're dumb as hell, and a drug dealer. No."

"That's cool man! Most people wouldn't even give me the chance."

Shepard sighed in frustration.

"Heads up, Commander," Miranda chimed in and Shepard turned towards her. She tossed him a pack of cigarettes "A present from the Illusive Man. Apparently you made an impression."

"Yeah, maybe too much."

* * *

Shepard, Miranda and Jacob had just arrived to Freedom's Progress.

"Damn, son! Everyone's gone!" Jacob stated the obvious.

"Very perceptive, gator," Miranda retorted, glaring at him.

They opened a door, and couple of mechs attacked them.

"GET OVER HERE!" Jacob yelled with a very deep voice and pulled one mech towards him biotically.

Shepard felt incredibly disturbed by his allies, and shot two mechs to the head to compensate.

They entered the next room, and saw few quarians. One of them aimed his assault rifle at Shepard "Stop right there!"

Shepard immediately punched the quarian to the head, and the quarian fell to the floor. Shepard lighted a cigarette.

"Nice shot!" a quarian female complimented "Hit him again!"

Something familiar about the quarian girl…

"Tali?" Shepard asked and the cigarette fell from his mouth.

"Shepard!" Tali began clapping her hands together in excitement, bouncing.

Shepard felt even more disturbed.

Tali's hands began fidgeting against each other "You know Shepard…I had a huge crush on you…" she said seductively.

"Oh?"

"And I've been thinking about you since you got back…w-well not sexually…m-much at least…you know what I mean?"

"I've only been here for like four seconds."

"I-I know, w-well not that I know…it's more…how did we even end up talking about this?" she stammered.

Shepard facepalmed "Please tell me what you're doing here?"

He was still dead, and this was hell.

"We are searching for a quarian called Veetor."

"What's a quarian doing here?" Miranda asked.

Tali turned towards her "Who are you?"

"They're part of some bondage club or something, don't mind them," Shepard answered and Miranda glared at him angrily.

"Oh. Well, Veetor always liked attention. You know how you humans get around quarians…" she batted her eyelashes seductively, whispering: "…do you?"

Shepard squeezed his eyes shut "Get to the point, Tali."

Her demeanor immediately changed "I know!" Tali exclaimed "We could join up! Rescue Veetor together!"

Shepard rubbed his neck "Guess two teams are better than one."

The quarian, the one Shepard had knocked out, was waking up. Jacob helped him back to his feet.

"Could you punch Prazza again?" Tali pleaded.

Shepard frowned "Isn't he a part of your team or something?"

"Yes, but he's a moron."

"Stupid humans!" Prazza yelled as soon as he was back on his feet "That was a cheap shot! I dare you to try again!" he lifted his fists up.

Tali shrugged "Moron, like I said."

Prazza pushed Shepard "C'mon human!"

"Touch me again and you'll find out why you shouldn't have," Shepard said coldly, looking Prazza to the eyes.

"Show me, tough guy!" Prazza tried to push Shepard again, but as soon as he touched him, Shepard grabbed his wrist and twisted it.

Prazza screamed like a little girl, and Shepard kicked him to the groin.

"Nice kick!" Tali cheered and Prazza fell to the floor again.

"Now that's nasty," Jacob said, shaking his head.

* * *

For no good reason, the teams separated, and began to try and find Veetor. Shepard's team met more mechs and Jacob again pulled one of them towards him, yelling with the creepy voice.

"This crocodile is a lively one!" Miranda yelled, while wrestling with one of the mechs.

"Worst…" Shepard shot one mech "…day…" he shot another "…of my…" and another "…life," and yet another.

Now his radio came alive. It was Tali "Shepard, Prazza betrayed me! He's trying to capture Veetor! You must hurry!"

"Right," Shepard answered, and his team stacked up in front of a large door. Tali opened it from her end, and the team surged through.

They arrived just in time to see a heavy mech butchering the quarians. It squashed one, tossed one away, and obliterated the rest with it's cannon.

Shepard's team took cover behind some very conveniently placed crates.

"That's one big-ass mech!" Jacob again stated the obvious.

The mech opened fire on them "Die Snake! Die!" it's voice-system yelled with a slight British accent "I-I mean…Arming weapon systems, destroying the hostiles."

Miranda looked worried "What are we going to do, Commander?"

"This," Shepard said, rising up from his cover. He began walking towards the mech, firing his pistol. The mech's bullets flew right past him as he approached it. When he was near enough, he carefully aimed at the mech's head and fired. The bullet hit, and the mech fell down. It exploded, making Shepard stagger from the shockwave. He lighted another cigarette, using the flames from the mech.

"Cool down," he muttered, blowing smoke.

Shepard hadn't smoked a cigarette ever since waking up. In the shuttle it was 'not allowed' and even though he didn't care if it was, he didn't want to listen Miranda nag about it. He had also tried to smoke one after punching Prazza, but seeing Tali had made him drop it. He saw Prazza on the ground now, squashed.

"You were always a little flat, pal."

* * *

They entered Veetor's lair, and could see him sitting in front of many display screens.

"Swarms, swarms, swarms. Got to find the swarms. Doo-di-duu…" he muttered.

"You Veetor?" Shepard asked.

"No Veetor, no, no, no," he stuttered, "Gollum, Gollum," his voice became very hoarse.

"He's not hearing you man!" Jacob snapped.

Shepard unholstered his pistol, and shot one of the screens. Veetor jumped up from his chair, clearly shocked. He then turned towards them.

"Crikey, Shepard! Couldn't you have used your omni-tool to shut off the screen?" Miranda nagged.

"I don't even know how to open the damn thing," Shepard retorted, shrugging.

Veetor stared at them in confusion "Who is you? Not the Precious…the orcsies didn't take you?"

"The orcsies?" Miranda asked, and Veetor turned on one of the monitors.

Some kind of large, walking beetles had taken the colonists.

"The Collectors!" Miranda gasped "They must be working for the Reapers."

"What makes you say that?" Shepard asked.

"They have glowing eyes. Sign of evil."

"Good enough for me man! We gotta stop them dawg!" Jacob chimed in.

"Shut up!" both Miranda and Shepard snapped.

"You know anything else about this, Veetor?" Shepard asked the quarian.

"Yesss. Veetor studied them, followed from the shadows…readings in the omni-tool."

"That's it then, let's take the quarian an—"

Miranda was interrupted by Tali "No! Veetor needs treatment, as you can clearly see!"

"That's rude girl! We ain't gonna hurt him!" Jacob retorted.

"Somehow your word doesn't make me trust you," Tali answered, crossing her arms.

Shepard again sighed in frustration "Tali gets Veetor and we get the tool data."

"Thanks Shepard. I'm glad you're still in charge…" she tilted her head, and again batted her eyelashes "I like a man who takes charge…"

"Right…" Shepard said blankly.

Damn…he was definitely gonna regret this…

"You should join me. If I leave you here, I'll probably have to save you again later."

She approached him, and tapped him to the nose gently "I'd like that…"

She placed her hand on her hip "...but I have a mission now too…it's very secret. I can't tell you much, but it involves the geth."

"The geth? You barely survived here against few mechs."

"You're so commanding…. I cannot stop myself from telling…" she gasped seductively "It's inside the Perseus Veil, on a planet called Haelstrom…"

Now she turned around, pulling Veetor with her, whispering: "I'll be waiting for you there…"

She began to walk away, swaying her hips seductively.

"Damn son! That's some hot-ass booty!" Jacob yelled, biting his fist.


	3. The English Gentleman

**Woo! Third Chapter! **

**Here's something for you Guy Ritchie fans...**

**BTW: What do you think about the romance? Who should it be...?**

* * *

"Shepard! How was Freedom's Progress?" TIM asked.

"Crowded. You want a report or something?" Shepard asked, lighting a cigarette.

"Yes, since it is the reason I sent you there," TIM answered, petting the white cat on his lap.

"Right. Well, I killed mechs, met Tali'Zorah and found out who attacked the colony. The Collectors."

Illusive Man's eyes narrowed slightly, but otherwise did not react.

"You don't look too surprised," Shepard remarked, crossing his arms.

"What?" TIM startled. "Oh, I was merely thinking about Tali'Zorah…what a stylish woman," he said quietly, looking thoughtful.

Now Shepard's eyes narrowed. This was again very disturbing.

"You know Tali?"

"I've been stalk—, I mean I am well-informed about most things," he still looked contemplative.

Shepard squeezed his eyes shut. Why the hell had he even asked TIM if he knew her? He lowered his head in complete horror and disgust.

"But enough about that charming girl…"Illusive man said, the thoughtful expression vanishing from his face "Now I'm going to boss you around a little more."

Shepard lifted his head, crossing his arms again "Don't think so."

"You don't need to think. See this button here?" he pointed at a button on his chair's arm "If I press this button, the floor beneath you will open and you will fall into a pool filled with sharks."

"Sharks?" Shepard asked in complete disbelief. He wondered if he could go through all the negative emotions in one meeting with TIM.

"Yes. Now be a good boy, and do as I say," he moved his finger closer to the button "Or else."

Shepard sighed "Fine."

"I want you to destroy the Collectors by attacking their home system…" he snapped his fingers and a holographic image of a mass relay appeared "…through the Omega-4 relay. Every ship traveling through it has disappeared, but I have the utmost confidence in your abilities."

"Great. A suicide mission. Again," Shepard sighed.

"Don't worry. I'm putting together a team of specialists to help you."

"I wasn't worried, but am now. Are they the same quality as Miranda and Jacob?"

"Yes."

Shepard sighed again, this time deeper "Look, I appreciate you trying to kill me, but I had a pretty good team when I was fighting Saren. Where are they? Wrex, for example?"

"Urdnot Wrex went to Tuchanka a while back, and won the elections. He is currently the president of Tuchanka, but has some trouble with 'rebels'."

President Wrex? An image of Wrex dressed up in a dark suit appeared into Shepard's mind.

"Garrus?"

Garrus Vakarian applied to the Spectre training, but apparently the training was not 'badass enough' for him. He disappeared afterwards."

Pretty cool for a nerdy ex-cop...first positive surprise.

"Liara?"

Liara T'Soni is currently on Illium, working as an information broker. She has developed many different personality disorders, paranoid and obsessive-compulsive among them."

This was starting to get scary.

"Ashley?"

"Ashley Williams is still with the Alliance, promoted. Somehow, she is very insulted that you died saving everyone. Probably an undiagnosed mental condition as well."

Very scary.

"And Tali's going towards Haelstrom? Am I supposed to save her?"

"Yes, but not yet."

Shepard frowned "That was just off the top of your head?"

TIM leaned backwards, smoking a cigarette "As I said, I've been stalki—, I am well-informed."

"Fine. Can I go now? You know, to fight your battles for you?"

"One thing first: I have a pilot for you, and they say he's one of the best. Someone you can trust…" TIM said, and cut off the communication.

* * *

"That you John Wayne, or is this me?" Joker asked.

Shepard turned towards him "Joker?"

"Hi Commander," Joker greeted and gestured Shepard to follow him.

They walked through the empty corridors of the station, and arrived to a room with a large window. Behind the window was a large, dark room.

"What the hell are you doing here, Joker?"

"Well, I wanted to meet different kinds of aliens and...kill them. The Alliance also grounded me after you died. They said I was lacking in character, that I was just 'the joking crippled guy'. The Illusive Man isn't so judgmental."

"Isn't that just a nice way of saying that his standards are lower?"

"Yes, but this isn't low…" Joker answered and pressed a button on the wall. The large room behind the window brightened up and Shepard could see a large ship in there.

Joker grinned "They only told me yesterday. What do you think?" he asked, turning towards Shepard.

"Wow. A space ship. Never seen one before," Shepard said dryly.

"But Commander, it's the new Normandy! Aren't you a bit excited?"

"If it's the same quality as everything else here? No."

* * *

Inside the Normandy again. It was actually much better quality than everything else and Shepard was glad that he had been wrong. It was definitely good to be back...

The interior was pretty similar to the old Normandy, except that the ship was decorated with the logo colors of Cerberus. Shepard didn't mind, since they actually looked pretty neat. However, some additions he did mind.

On almost every wall, there was a large portrait of the Illusive Man and underneath it a text 'Our Beloved Leader'. And if that wasn't disturbing enough, there were also the loudspeakers. Every ten minutes, the speakers began telling about TIM's achievements, and reminded the crew about the consequences of disloyalty.

"Damn son! Didn't know that the Illusive Man could beat a krogan in an armwrestling match!" Jacob yelled in admiration and Miranda immediately slapped him to the back of the head.

Miranda saluted Shepard, and the corks hanging from her hat jingled "Welcome to the Normandy, Commander. I'm your Executive Officer Mirand—"

"Shut up! My memory's not that bad," Shepard snapped, not lifting his gaze from the OSD in his hands. He was going through the dossiers.

"It's Cerberus protocol", Miranda retorted proudly, her posture straightening.

"Lots of things are…" Shepard muttered, still not lifting his gaze "Great. It seems that our future comrades are a crazy super-biotic, a crazy krogan, a crazy vigilante, a crazy mercenary and a crazy doctor."

Now Shepard lifted his gaze from the OSD, and looked at Miranda, frowning "How did you guys make this list? Were they at the same madhouse or something?"

Miranda's face wrinkled in anger "They are not crazy, but eccentric," the expression faded "Anyway, we should go find Doctor Mordin Solus first."

A golden balloon suddenly emerged from the console behind them "Miss Lawson is correct, master Lu-, uh, Commander. Doctor Solus could invent a measure against the seeker swarms," a female voice spoke with a British accent.

"Who the hell are you?" Shepard asked, turning towards the balloon.

"I am EDI, sir, the ship's artificial intelligence."

Shepard sighed, raising his hands before him "Just don't get in the way, please."

"I assure you, sir, I will not be a burden to you," EDI answered, and the balloon disappeared.

"Joker, towards Omega then. I need a drink," Shepard said, walking towards the elevator.

"There is not any alcohol onboard, Commander," Miranda stated.

Shepard stopped and sighed "I wish I was still dead…"

* * *

Since there was not any alcohol to drink, Shepard decided to take a look around the ship. He entered the armory and saw Jacob there. Shepard wished that he wouldn't break anything.

" 'Sup Shepard?" Jacob greeted as Shepard stepped inside the room.

Shepard frowned "What are you doing here?"

"I'm the Gunnery Chief, man."

Shepard facepalmed "No. Get out."

"Damn son! Nobody has ever allowed me to take a break! That's cool man, but I'm okay."

Shepard sighed again "Since this day couldn't possibly get any worse, tell me something about yourself."

"I would, but that shit's boring. Can tell you about Miranda though, cuz the girl has some mean booty."

"She's your girlfriend or something?"

"Nah man! We were pretty tight, and then we weren't. Let's not talk about this…"

"Yeah. Let's not."

"Tell you what, that Tali-girl…" Jacob slapped his hands together "Woo! That girl has some serious sex appeal, man!" he poked Shepard to the ribs "You know what I'm sayin'…"

"I do, because you're saying it."'

"Oh c'mon! Don't say she ain't hot man!" a dreamy look appeared on Jacob's face "I mean that tight-ass suit, with those fabrics hugging her body…that perfect waist-hip ratio…"

The image of Tali appeared into Shepard's mind as Jacob described her. The snug suit, the cloths highlighting her curves…the slim waist…that firm – wait a second, what the hell was he thinking?

"That top of the line boot—" Jacob was interrupted by Shepard.

"Stop that! God!" Shepard yelled, covering his face with his hands "Oh, god..."

He lowered his hands "She's my friend, not some damn sex object!"

Jacob slapped his hands together again "Damn! You've got some pent-up aggression in there!" he started chuckling "And apparently other pent-upped feelings as well!"

"Shut up! Go clean your guns!" Shepard snapped, and walked out of the Armory.

* * *

"Hi there!" a redheaded girl greeted Shepard when he approached her.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm your Yeoman, Kelly Chambers. I check out your crew's condition, both physical and psychological, then I'll send my report to you. Wanna see?"

Shepard shrugged, and Kelly handed him an OSD.

_Subject _

_Hot or not ;)_

_Miranda _

_Very hot physically. Cold psychologically...she needs someone to warm her__…__*wink wink* Commander….;D_

_Jacob _

_Totally hot! :) Dunno about psychologically…he doesn't seem to have one : /_

_Joker _

_Beard not so cool :E…really funny, but his handicap limits the possibilities…_

Shepard raised his gaze from the OSD, stunned. He could see Kelly smiling brightly.

"Whatcha think?"

"What the hell kind of a report is this?" Shepard asked.

"It's an evaluation of the crew's physical and psychological condition," Kelly stated matter-of-factly.

Shepard couldn't figure out what to say, so he just gave the OSD back to Kelly "I just realized that I have to go."

"Aww. Well I hate to see you leave, but love to see you go," she said softly, and gave Shepard a small wave "Bye!"

She watched after Shepard as he went...

* * *

Miranda, Jacob and Shepard were now on Omega. The place looked like a garbage dump.

"Howdy partner!" one salarian greeted them "Welcome to Omega, I'm—" he was interrupted by a slap from a batarian.

"Dead, if your mouth keeps running. Now run along, boy," the batarian snapped, and the salarian ran away.

"Welcome to Omega, pilgrim," the batarian greeted them, chewing chaw as he spoke "The woman you should talk to is Aria. She's over there at the tavern," he continued, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb.

"Why should see I her?" Shepard asked, his eyes narrowing.

"Because I told you to, jackass, "the batarian snapped, putting his hand on his sidearm "Ain't gonna ask you twice."

"Fine…" Shepard muttered, brushing the batarian off.

The batarian relaxed and a smirk appeared on his face. Shepard smiled to him pleasantly, then suddenly punched the batarian to the head, knocking him out cold.

* * *

The trio began hearing loud banging (ha-ha) near them and saw a human repeatedly trying to slam a shuttle's door shut, with a batarian laying in that same doorway.

"Give…me…my…goddamn…bees!" the human yelled with strong English accent, as he kept slamming the door to the batarian's head.

It made Shepard's head hurt just by watching it. He grimaced in disgust, and tapped the human on the shoulder.

The human let go of the door and turned around, frowning "The hell are you mate?"

"You Massani?" Shepard asked.

"Yeah, am that. You're Shepard?" Zaeed asked, and Shepard nodded. "Pleased to meet ya."

Shepard nodded towards the batarian "Who's your friend?"

Zaeed turned back towards the batarian "The muppet owes me a little crust, and tried to lead me on a chase all over the Systems," he turned back towards Shepard, shaking his head slightly "So goddamn rude…"

"Don't see any money pouring out of him..." Shepard remarked.

"Hey! I don't come where you work and tell you how to skin bandits or flip burgers or whatnot," Zaeed snapped.

Zaeed turned back towards the batarian again, and Shepard glanced at Miranda "Skin bandits?" he asked, and she merely shrugged as an answer.

Batarian was moaning something incoherent and Zaeed leaned on closer "Do what darling? Could you perhaps speak with a little louder voice?" he asked softly and slapped the batarian on the head.

"Pocket," the batarian mumbled and Zaeed slapped him again.

"Got nothing in your pocket, wanker! Checked already!"

"Leg pocket…"

Zaeed started digging the batarian's leg pockets, and found a keycard "And where does this go, sunshine?" he asked softly.

"I'll show…"

"That you will, mate," Zaeed said, dragging the batarian to the floor by his neck collar. He started walking towards a door on the left, dragging the batarian with him "I'll be ready the next time you wanna do someone in. Cheers, Shepard."


	4. The Hero

**Had a little writer's block with this one...took a while...**

**But here it is now, starring our favorite turian...**

* * *

"I see what you are doing here Shepard, and this will not do! I will not allow this to happen!" Miranda yelled.

Zaeed, Shepard and Jacob stood on the soil of Omega, but Miranda refused to step out of the ship's airlock.

"Sorry?" Shepard asked, unsure what the reason for her nagging this time was.

"This is a direct violation of Cerberus protocol! I will not allow this to happen!"

"You keep saying that. What is?"

Miranda went into the Codex-mode, and began talking in a monotone "Cerberus Protocol Section AB/Z24, Ground Teams. The ground team consists of three members, and all rights to alter the composition of the ground team are reserved for the Illusive Man."

"Oh," Shepard said, surprised "Well, I didn't know that it wasn't allowed!"

Miranda smiled "I'm glad you could see rea-"

"Guess there's now two reasons to do this," Shepard said dryly, then nodded towards Miranda "Fellas…"

Zaeed and Jacob stepped forward and began approaching Miranda, who looked terrified. "Jacob! You work for Cerberus too! Don't do this!"

"Sorry girl, but I don't even know how to spell that protoncop word," Jacob shrugged, and continued moving forward.

"It's _protocol_, moron!" Miranda snapped and turned towards Zaeed "We pay you to do what we say, Massani. So follow your contract!"

Zaeed shrugged "My bad miss, but the contract says I must help Shepard, and that I do."

They grabbed Miranda by her arms, and lifted her up. "Let me down you thugs!" she screamed,her legs kicking around wildly. Jacob and Zaeed carried her out of the ship and let go off her.

"This is wrong...wrong, wrong, wrong…" she muttered, shaking and swaying.

Zaeed glanced at Shepard, raising an eyebrow "The bird's a bit off her rocket?"

"You'll get used to her. I hope."

* * *

The foursome entered now the so called tavern, which was actually a nightclub called Afterlife. A nightclub…more like a strip club. Whichever it was, the techno music of the place hurt Shepard's ears, his head and his soul. The spotlights didn't help much either. Fortunately for him, he noticed the bar counter.

Shepard walked to the batarian bartender and tapped the counter twice. The batarian poured him a drink, and slid the glass across the counter.

"You're going to be drunk when talking to that Aria?" Miranda nagged, looking angry again.

"Dead-drunk," Shepard retorted and emptied the glass.

The drink hit him like a hammer to the head. Literally. He truly felt like he was struck on the head. Shepard put his hand on his forehead and his vision began to blur. He staggered once, twice, but then his vision began to clear again. Shepard turned back to the bartender.

The batarian stared at him, his mouth hanging wide open "W-why you're not dead?"

Shepard leaned on the counter, looking the batarian in the eye "Practice. Pour another one."

"W-what?"

Shepard sighed "I said practice. You wanna see what else I've practiced?" The batarian shook his head. "Good. _Pour another one," _Shepard said strictly.

The batarian hesitatingly poured another one, his hands shaking. He slid the drink across the counter again, but Shepard pushed it back, shaking his head "Your turn."

The batarian glanced around nervously, his jaw clenching "You can't be serious!"

"Dead serious," Shepard said and put his pistol on the counter "Take a bullet from this gun, or that drink. Your choice."

Batarian glanced around and instead of either, he decided to pull out his pistol, pointing it at Shepard. A gunshot sounded and the batarian fell down. The shot came from a gun of a turian dressed up in red armor. His nametag said 'Ogrinn'.

"Hehehee…asschabs…" Ogrinn muttered, then fell over.

* * *

Somehow the authorities of Afterlife didn't care that the turian had shot their bartender. Guess they were lazy.

Shepard and co. began to walk towards Aria's private room. A guard stopped them "Halt! You need to be scanned before you see Aria."

"Scanned? Our guns are right here," Shepard said and turned around, pointing at the guns on his back.

"It's not for that, but to confirm your identity."

"Whatta hell…"Shepard shrugged, and allowed the guard to scan him.

The quartet entered the room, and saw an asari sitting on a sofa. She gestured them to come closer.

"So you're Shepard," she said.

"More or less," Shepard answered, crossing his arms.

"According to our scans, more."

"Maybe. You're in charge of Omega?"

Aria chuckled and rose up; spreading her arms dramatically "I am Omega!"

"Great. Another megalomaniac…" Shepard muttered.

Aria frowned "What did you say?"

Shepard shrugged "Nothing."

Aria sat back down "Good. Because there's only one rule on Omega. Don't fuck Aria," she smirked.

She nodded towards the sofa, and Shepard sat down "You must have some power if you can make up such rules."

Her eyes narrowed "It's because I have many STDs, idiot," she said, staring at Shepard.

"Right…" Shepard was starting to get a headache again. He rubbed his face.

"So what do you want? I'm very busy, since running a nightclub is very time-consuming. You have to boss around your minions and sit here stalking."

"I'm looking for Archangel and Doctor Solus."

"If you want to find Archangel, you better hurry. Blue Suns, Eclipse and the Blood Pack are about to attack his hiding place with gunships and mechs. They're looking for freelancers over there," she nodded towards a batarian in a corner of the club.

Shepard's eyes narrowed "They need gunships and mechs to kill one guy?"

Aria's eyes narrowed "Once you see the mercs you'll understand."

* * *

The quartet now walked towards the same batarian Aria had nodded towards. The batarian lifted his head, looking at the newcomers.

"Heard you're looking for freelancers," Shepard said to him.

The batarian nodded in approval "Inside," he pointed towards a private room.

Another batarian was inside, and he also looked at the newcomers, frowning "You're here for Archangel?"

"Yup."

The batarian tapped at his terminal "Okay, so you're now part of the Operation Human Wave."

"Operation Human Wave?" Shepard asked, frowning "That's just a name, right?"

"No. The Operation Human Wave is supposed to distract Archangel long enough, so we can flank him with the gunship and heavily armored squads of soldiers."

Shepard facepalmed "That's like the stupidest plan ever. Why don't you just blast him away with that gunship?"

"We tried. He shot it down."

"So he has some heavy AA support?"

Batarian shrugged "Sort of. He has his sniper rifle."

Shepard's eyes narrowed "He shot it down with a sniper rifle?"

Batarian lifted one finger up "With one shot."

Shepard frowned even more "What is this guy? A terminator?"

"No!" the batarian gasped and began to glance around in terror. He leaned in closer "He's the Archangel," he whispered, still glancing around "They say he's over 7 feet tall, shoots fire from his eyes and lighting from his arse. "

"Right. Well, point me to him and you don't have to worry anymore."

"Go to the transportation station. We have a man waiting for you."

Shepard turned to leave, when a young man entered the room "This were I sign up!? I wanna freelance man!"

"Just how old are you, kid?" Shepard asked, frowning.

"I'm old enough dude! I can handle myself!"

"So can the Archangel, nipper. He'll blow you away," Zaeed said, crossing his arms.

"Well, I got this, oldie!" the man snapped, then pulled out a pistol.

Shepard sighed in frustration and slapped the man on the wrist casually. It made him drop the pistol and as it hit the floor, it shattered.

"Oh man! Look what you did!" the man yelped, staring at the shattered pistol.

Miranda frowned "How can pistol even shatter like that?"

"Thank me later kid," Shepard said and patted the man on the shoulder.

* * *

The shuttle at the station took them to the mercs' base of operations. The driver had told them to talk to a man called Cathka. Walking through the corridors, they saw several members of all three mercenary groups firing towards Archangel's hiding place. The Angel responded in kind, resulting several headshots. This guy was good.

The quartet found a sign in the front of a door, saying 'The big mek'. They decided to check it out, and inside they found a large Ymir heavy mech. Right next to it was a terminal, along with another sign 'Don't touch the terminal, might mess up the friend/foe system'.

"Hmm," Miranda mumbled "We might be able to use this to turn the mech against the mercenaries."

"Great. Someone can read. Do it then," Shepard said, shrugging.

Miranda frowned "This is an extremely complicated system. I do not know how to use this."

Zaeed walked closer to the terminal "Here's a button here that says 'Change IFF'."

"Press it," Shepard ordered, shrugging again.

Miranda frowned even deeper "It can't be that simple. That would be just stupid."

Shepard turned to her "Haven't you seen the mercs?"

She wondered his words for a second, the frowning disappearing "Point taken."

They walked out of the room and found a pack of humans standing near a gunship "Cathka?" Shepard asked the men.

One of them pointed towards a batarian, and the quartet approached him "Sergeant Cathka," Cathka snapped. "You're the new freelancers?" he asked, and Shepard nodded. "Good. Finally someone who looks like they can hold their own."

"We'll do more than that, mate," Zaeed responded.

Cathka snorted "That's what everyone else says too, yet we're still here."

"Maybe it's because your plan sucks," Shepard snapped, crossing his arms.

"Do your job," Cathka snapped back "We don't need you to come up with any ingenious plans."

"How about a sensible one? Why don't you try to find other routes to him?"

"We did, but Archangel sealed them off. We have some people planting explosives there, but it takes too long. Our bosses want this dealt now."

Shepard frowned "So you'll rather get people killed, than wait for a few hours?"

Cathka nodded "Yes. We are ruthless mercenaries."

"Apparently so," Shepard muttered

Suddenly Cathka put his hand on his ear, obviously listening to his radio.

"The assault begins soon, you should get ready," Cathka said, trying to light a cigarette.

Shepard looked around a little, and saw a welding torch on the table. He took it.

Cathka was still trying to light his cigarette, but his lighter wouldn't work "Son of a bitch," he tossed the lighter away, then turned towards Shepard "You got a light?"

"Sure," Shepard said, hiding the torch behind his back. He walked towards Cathka and stopped in front of him.

"Take it all," Shepard muttered and sticked the torch into Cathka. He began to scream, and Shepard took the cigarette from his mouth. Cathka staggered, while Shepard lighted the cigarette and blew smoke at him, making him fall over. Cathka now laid on the floor, fried.

"Damn son! He looks like a KFC commercial!" Jacob yelled. "That's nasty."

Miranda frowned, watching the body "Couldn't you just have knocked him out? Why did you have to kill him in such a brutal fashion?"

"He asked for a light," Shepard said blankly.

* * *

The assault begun. The mercs were going flank the Angel with heavily armored troops and a gunship, while The Operation Human Wave's job was to distract him, and, well, die. Shepard saw a glimpse of blue armor at the Angel's base, and one of the mercs fell down by Shepard's side. The quartet began to run forward.

Angel kept firing at the wave, and several mercs fell down, all dead by headshots. "Good aim, " Shepard muttered, but wondered why he hadn't been hit yet. Just then a round hit his shields, causing Shepard to pick up the pace, and the quartet reached the base. Only a few other mercs got inside, and Shepard's team opened fire on them.

"Traitors! Kill--" one of the mercs tried to yell, but was interrupted by a bullet to the mouth from Zaeed. Miranda warped one merc, Jacob tossed one against the wall and Shepard shot one to the head.

The quartet now got up to the second level, and saw a few mercs trying to open a door. Shepard and Zaeed sprayed them with bullets.

They opened the door and saw a turian in blue armor. There were angel-wings attached to the sides of his helmet.

"Archangel?" Shepard asked, and the turian lifted up one finger.

The turian carefully aimed at something, and fired. "Boom! Headshot!" he cheered, turning towards Shepard. There was a large 'A' printed on his chest, and two angel-wings crossed together under it.

Archangel took off his helmet, and crossed his arms thug-style "Shepard..." he greeted, nodding as he spoke. "Thought you were dead."

Shepard narrowed his eyes in disbelief. Blue face paint. The power scouter or whatever on his head. Of course, he should have guessed after seeing the blue armor.

"Garrus? You're the Archangel?"

"Sometimes," Garrus responded, his mandibles flickering "I just point and shoot. Works. The mercs are pretty scared."

Now Shepard crossed his arms "They're pretty pissed off too. What did you do?"

Garrus shrugged "Killed one of the boss's brother, stole their cargo, seduced their women. The usual."

"What's with the name?"

"Just something I thought up. First I came up with Batman, but I heard it was taken, so Archangel would have to do," Garrus shrugged again "The Batman-costume didn't fit anyway, so I guess it's better this way."

"The Batman-costume?" Miranda asked, voicing Shepard's thoughts.

"Yeah. A hero's gotta have a costume. Can't kick ass and save damsels in a t-shirt, lady."

"You did kick some mean ass here dawg. How'd you do it?" Jacob asked.

Garrus formed a finger pistol and pointed it at Jacob. He then draw his thumb backwards, as if cocking the gun "Bang," Garrus said and then pretended to blow the smoking barrel of the pistol. He lowered his hand "Like that."

"So how did you end up in this position?" Now Shepard asked.

"Tried to kill all the mercenary bosses at once," Garrus shrugged "Backfired. Been here for a few days now."

"Days?"

"I got good entertainment," Garrus chuckled, nodding towards the bridge Shepard and co had just ran on.

"Hope you had enough, because we're leaving now."

Garrus nodded "Well, let's see what they're up to then." He looked through the scope of his sniper rifle, observing the mercs. He saw several Loki mechs scouting ahead. "Scouts. Wanna see?" Garrus offered his rifle to Shepard.

"Nope," Shepard answered, pulling out his rocket launcher. He shot several rockets at the mechs, and they exploded. Garrus nodded in approval.

More mercenaries arrived to the bridge, but the firepower of the quintet took them down fast.

The quintet destroyed a few waves of mercenaries, then Jaroth, the leader of Eclipse, showed up.

"Jaroth," Garrus muttered.

"You know him?" Shepard asked

"Killed his brother. He really doesn't like me."

"Ouch."

Jaroth grimaced "Let's see how you handle this! Go Ymirmon, go!"

The heavy mech showed up, but it immediately began firing at the mercenaries. Jaroth barely got away.

"Your handiwork?" Garrus asked and Shepard nodded.

The heavy mech killed dozens of mercs, but Jaroth finally managed to take it down. He was the only one left.

Jaroth marched on the bridge, clearly angry. He fired his SMG with deadly accuracy, and the quintet was forced to take cover."Why the bosses are always the toughest?" Shepard asked, and Garrus shrugged.

The salarian kept approaching the base, and Shepard decided to take the fight to him.

"Stairs, Garrus!" Shepard ordered, and Garrus followed him. The rest of the team remained to guard the bridge.

Garrus and Shepard took cover behind the railing of the stairs, and could see Jaroth entering Garrus' base. Shepard and Garrus forced him to take cover.

"Jaroth! Your brother was an asshole!" Garrus yelled to him.

"Hah!"Jaroth yelled and got up, spraying bullets at the duo. Then he took cover again. "Yes! Yes he was! You truly got his number!"

"Then why are you trying to kill us?" Shepard asked, firing at the salarian.

"You do remember that I stole cargo worth of millions from him?" Garrus asked Shepard, frowning.

"Oh right, " Shepard muttered. "Forget the last question!" he yelled to Jaroth.

Shepard and Garrus got up, and started firing at Jaroth. One bullet hit him on the shoulder and he fell down on the floor.

Shepard and Garrus now stood over him, pointing their pistols at his head.

"Say hello to your brother," Garrus said.

They fired, and Jaroth lay dead. The duo returned back to the vantage point.

Suddenly, red lights started blinking inside the hideout.

"Warning! Angelcave under attack! Warning! Angelcave under attack!" a female, robotic voice announced.

"Angelcave?" Shepard asked Garrus, frowning.

"Cool name, huh? By the way, that alarm means that the mercs have managed to get through downstairs. You should go stop them."

Shepard frowned even more "And you should come with me."

"Can't come Shepard, not yet. Gotta watch the bridge..."

"Someone else can do it too."

"Gotta watch the bridge," Garrus repeated blankly.

Shepard sighed "Fine. Zaeed will stay with you."

"Roger that," Zaeed responded.


	5. The Hero Returns

**Sorry that this took a while...**

* * *

Shepard, Miranda and Jacob fought their way towards the mercs' tunnels.

"Shepard, the mercs are attacking again. Dunno how long we can hold them," Garrus said over the radio.

Shepard frowned"You've been holding them at bay by yourself for days. Try."

"I'm pretty tired Shepard. Dizzy. I feel like I'm drunk."

"Good for you, asshole," Shepard snapped. Somebody was drunk, but that somebody was not him. He hadn't had a single drink ever since he was 'resurrected'. Well, actually that was wrong. He had had one drink, but even that had been poisoned.

Shepard growled in frustration, shooting vorcha from the hip. Miranda warped one vorcha into a ball, and used him to topple other enemies over like bowling pins.

They reached the first door, and managed to close it down easily.

"Second door, Shepard! Faster, or I might fall into sleep," Garrus mocked over the radio.

"Go ahead. I'll have Zaeed wake you up with a nice kick to the ass."

The second door was easy, since Jacob tossed a huge cargo box in the front of the door, making it impossible for the enemies to get out. The door closed and the trio ran towards the final one.

They fought their way towards the last door. Shepard shot one vorcha to the head, kicked one in the groin, shot one in the groin and punched one in the groin. Jacob lifted one krogan up biotically, spinning him wildly over his head and then tossed him into an open cargo box.

"'Sup bitch! That's a three-point throw, man!" Jacob cheered.

Shepard took an assault rifle from a dead vorcha, then standing at the doorway; he began shooting enemies with two assault rifles at the same time. The door went shut, and the ingenious flank-attack of the mercs failed miserably.

"Shepard! The Pack's broken through! I see their leader, Garm," Garrus informed

"You know him too?"

"Yeah, fought him and almost got him, but his vorcha cronies got in the way. Guess he's looking for payback."

"You're real popular."

"What can I say? I'm a charming guy."

* * *

The pack had just entered the Angelcave, when suddenly a gunshot sounded and one of the vorchas head exploded.

Garm looked at the direction the shot came from, and saw Archangel.

"Hi Garm," Garrus greeted casually, simultaneously aiming at the krogan.

"Archangel!" Garm roared, when another shot sounded and another vorcha died.

This time, the shot came from Shepard.

"Rah! Get him! I'll get the Angel!" Garm roared, and his minions raised their weapons. Garm himself went upstairs to fight Garrus.

One of the vorcha left to battle Shepard screeched, and Shepard shot him to the head "Shut up. I've got enough of a headache already."

The trio dispatched the vorcha easily and climbed to the next floor. They approached the vantage point, and Shepard peeked around the corner. He saw Garm fighting Garrus and Zaeed, pinning them down.

"Hey, Worm!" Shepard hollered.

Garm turned towards Shepard, shooting with his assault rifle. "It's Garm!"

"Whatever, Grub!"

Garm roared, and began to run towards Shepard. Shepard stepped out from behind the corner and fired three shots to the chest of Garm. He saw them regenerating immediately.

Shepard's eyes widened "Oh, shi--"

He was interrupted by being thrown against a wall.

"Did I forget to mention that Garm regenerates extremely fast?" Garrus asked on the radio.

"Yes. Thank you for the info!"

Garm grabbed Shepard again and tossed him around like a ragdoll.

Shepard heard four shots, and saw Garm holding his own groin.

"That's forty thousand for a full set for you, pal!" the krogan testicle expert Garrus informed, walking towards them.

Garm fell down, and Garrus pointed his pistol at Garms head.

"Bet you can't regen those so easily, Worm."

"It's Ga--" the krogan tried to respond, but was interrupted with a shot to the head.

Garrus offered Shepard his hand, and pulled him up "That was pathetic, Shepard. I actually had to defend myself."

"Screw you."

* * *

Garrus' and Shepards tender moment was broken by a large gunship.

"Archangel!" someone yelled through the ship's sound systems and began firing its cannon. The whole quintet took cover.

"Let me guess: you know that guy too?" Shepard asked Garrus.

"Yeah, that's Tarak. I tried to kill him in his own home. One of my fans."

Enemies entered the Angelcave through a window, but Miranda and Jacob simply pushed them back through it.

"That was rather pathetic," Miranda said.

"Well, there's more. The first floor, go stop them!" Garrus yelled.

Shepard frowned "How the hell do you know that?"

"Hurry, Shepard! The first floor!"

Shepard growled again "Let's go then."

"Can't come. Have to stay in this room," Garrus answered blankly.

"Fine. The rest of you, follow."

The quartet ran downstairs, and several enemies appeared. Zaeed and Shepard sprayed bullets at them.

"Dakka dakka, you son of a bitch!" Zaeed yelled, firing wildly from the hip.

The enemy was neutralized quickly, and the quartet returned back to the vantage point.

"Archangel!" Tarak repeated himself.

Garrus stood up and struck a Superman pose "Here I am! Come and get me!"

Tarak answered by firing his cannon. The bullets ripped through Garrus' armor, and he barely got back into cover.

"Eat this!" Tarak yelled, and now fired rockets at Garrus. They hit, and Garrus flew across the room.

Zaeed and Jacob dragged Garrus into cover, and the ship began firing again. They all ducked down.

"What are we going to do, Commander?" Miranda asked.

"Kill the bastard. Don't know how yet."

Shepard glanced around, and saw a box on the wall. Over it was a text 'Stinger missiles. Use against gunships and helicopters.' Shepard ran towards the box, somehow managing to dodge the cannon's fire. He took the entire box down, and duck back into the cover again. Inside the box, he found both the launcher and some missiles. Shepard shrugged and loaded the launcher. He aimed at the gunship, and the targeting system locked. He fired, and the missile flew away, hitting the Hin -- the gunship.

"Rah!" Tarak yelled, and the gunship began to break down. Several explosions rocked the ship and then it finally began descending. As the chopper hit the ground, it exploded.

"Hope you preferred cremation to burial," Shepard muttered, then began to run towards Garrus. He knelt down next to him and saw that Garrus was covered in blue blood.

"Garrus?" Shepard called, but the turian didn't answer "Garrus!"

Now Garrus gasped for breath, and quickly glanced around. He noticed Shepard, grabbed him from his collar and pulled him closer "Shepard..."

"We'll get you out of here, just hold on."

Garrus pulled him even closer "I...never...got...the chance...to tell you...how much I...love you..."

Shepard frowned "What?"

"Fooled ya!" Garrus chuckled, and went limp.

"This is bad, Shepard," Jacob stated the obvious.

* * *

Shepard and Jacob stood in the briefing room. The debriefing was over, and only they were left.

"Yo Shepard. We did what we could, but Garrus still looks like a terminator. The docs put some cybernetics there to enhance the effect."

"What? And why are you telling me this anyway? Where's Miranda or Chakwas?"

"Dunno about Miranda man, but Chakwas is gettin' buzzed. It's probably why the Garrus thing failed too. The lady drinks like a fish, man!"

Shepard frowned in disbelief "She was drunk during surgery?"

Before Jacob could answer, the door opened. It was Garrus.

"Woo! Tough mofo! They pumped him full of painkillers and shit," Jacob cheered, slapping his hands together.

"Can't find a mirror, Johnny-boy," Garrus said dreamily "How bad's the damage?"

Shepard crossed his arms "You look like a guy who doesn't know how to use a razor."

Garrus' mandibles flickered "Nah, don't use a razor, too risky. Might start thinking about you and cut my wrists."

Shepard chuckled, then looked at Jacob and nodded towards the door, trying to get him to leave. Jacob did not leave, but rather nodded towards the door too.

Another wave of frustration went through Shepard "Go away, Jacob."

"Thanks Shepard, I do have things to do. You're so thoughtful," Jacob responded, smiling. He snapped a salute and left the room, the door closing after him.

Garrus looked at the door. "That guy is weird," he said, turning towards Shepard. "He kept calling me 'dog'. What is that anyway?" Garrus looked slightly worried "It's not some kind of affectionate nickname? Is it?"

"I hope not," Shepard said. The thought was pretty horrible. Jacob skulking around, watching him...it made Shepard shiver.

"Good. Now," Garrus begun, rubbing his hands together "What's this Cerberus thing? You're working for them?" Garrus frowned "We did blow away quite many of their bases..."

Shepard shrugged "Guess they believe in second chances. Anyway, they're the only one who's doing anything about the missing colonies."

"More like a tenth chance for us, if you count all the bases..." Garrus put his hands behind his back "I'm fit for duty whenever you need me. I'll be at the main battery."

"Fit for duty? Somebody just shot you in the face with a rocket, and you're on drugs."

"Oh right! Well, I'll be at the Med-bay then. Too-da-loo!"

* * *

Shepard arrived to the crew level, and walked towards Miranda's office. He opened the door and stepped in. The office was pretty big, at least compared to other cabins Shepard had seen. It had almost no decoration and only a few pieces of furniture. He could only see a table, a few coaches and a bed. Of course, there was also a window, and like all the windows on the ship, this one also showed the great void. Shepard walked to it and looked into the space. It was always a calming sight.

"Did you need something, Commander?" Miranda asked, not lifting her gaze from her work "You do have your own window."

Shepard turned around and began to walk towards a bench in front of the table she was working at "Just decided to visit my secretary."

Miranda scowled "I'm not your secretary. It's Executive Officer."

Shepard sat down. "You should practice your phone voice. It's not really pleasant."

Miranda scowled even deeper "Did you want something?"

"Just came to see how you're doing," Shepard answered, shrugging.

"I'm busy."

"Cut the attitude, secretary. How about you tell me something about you?"

Miranda's eyes narrowed, and she tilted her head slightly "How about no?"

"C'mon! You must know everything about me, yet I don't know nothin' 'bout ya," Shepard answered.

Miranda still scowled, but leaned backwards and crossed her arms "Fine. Ask your bloody questions."

"You said something about being genetically modified?"

"Yes."

Shepard raised an eyebrow "You do know what a conversation is?"

"Fine, more descriptive," she snapped. She began speaking in a monotone "Every strand of my DNA was specifically selected for maximum performance. The chromosomes were altered using..."

She went on and on for a moment, and Shepard noticed that he barely understood every fifth word. His head began to hurt and spin. Shepard raised his hand to silence her "I don't even understand what that means."

Miranda frowned "You asked for details."

"Stop bitching," Shepard snapped, rubbing his forehead.

Now the frowning changed back to scowling on Miranda's face "I don't bitch."

Shepard crossed his arms, and leaned back "You whine about every decision I make. It's annoying."

"Make better decisions."

"Whine less."

Miranda's scowl deepened "This is getting nowhere. I suggest you leave," her voice started to shake.

Shepard smirked "And I suggest that you get me some coffee, secretary."

"I'm not your secretary, you oaf!" Miranda snapped. Her anger was now very clear.

Shepard got up, and started walking towards the door "Tsk-tsk-tsk. Anger management issues as well," he opened the door, standing in the doorway "You better work on that. Besides the phone voice, that is." He walked backwards through the door and it began to close, "Secretary Lawson," he nodded, and the door closed.

Shepard heard something breaking against the door. He grinned.

* * *

"Shepard!" Zaeed greeted as Shepard stepped inside his hangout.

Zaeed was sitting on a chair in front of the security camera system.

"What are you doing?" Shepard asked, his eyes narrowing.

Zaeed shrugged "Just watching a few skirts take a shower."

Shepard frowned "There's cameras in the shower?" he walked to the system and went through all the cameras "Can't find them."

"That's because there's none, you soddin' nonce," Zaeed chuckled, and rose up from the chair. He took a knife from the table, and threw it into a portrait of the Illusive Man. "Get yourself a girl, mate."

Shepard saw several knifes poking from the portrait. Apparently Zaeed had been using it as a dartboard. Shepard crossed his arms "Says you."

Zaeed turned towards him "Got a girl," he pointed towards an old rifle on top of a crate. "She's Jessie."

"Right, but actually I came to see you. Wanna tell me something about yourself?"

Zaeed leaned to the wall, and crossed his arms "I was just thinking about past missions, got a minute? You might learn something."

"No, actually I wanted to know about yo--"

"Been in a batarian prison once. It's where they put you if they don't kill ya. Nice place. You got two options there: Get your head busted open by the minute you step inside, or kill everyone between you and the exit."

"That's great. Now tell--"

"Get a knife stuck in the right way, and you can pull that plate right off a krogans head ..." he moved his hand across his chest "It's the best way to get 'em to talk. The threat of it drives them mad."

"Thanks for info," Shepard muttered "Could you now please talk?"

"I should let you go. Talk to you later, Shepard"

"Right..."


	6. Dr Insight

Again Shepard was on Omega, and it was starting to bore him. Well, boredom was probably the wrong term, since it actually felt more like frustration.

Also the fact, that he had been playing cards and drinking heavily with Garrus, Joker, Jacob and Zaeed the last night, didn't help him feel much better either.

They had had to play in the dark, sorry-ass cargo hold. Why? Because of Miranda of course! Everything, that Shepard liked doing, was somehow forbidden. So, to avoid her nagging, they had been playing in there.

Shepard rubbed his forehead and eyes again. Miranda had practically kicked them out of their beds this morning to complete this damn recruiting tour. So naturally, Shepard felt extremely good…

"How is it possible that you reek of alcohol?" Miranda asked him, interrupting his thoughts of pain and suffering.

"Maybe you're funny in the head," Shepard retorted, annoyed.

She scowled "Charming."

"Leave the man alone, bird. Go play with your dollies or something," Zaeed responded, causing Miranda to turn towards him.

"I'm not _a bird_, Massani," she retorted, her scowling deepening. "And that's something you should remember, if you wish to get paid."

"I already got the soddin' lollies, _bird,_" Zaeed retorted, emphasizing the word 'bird'.

"That can be changed," Miranda said coldly.

They began to stare each other down, neither one backing away. Shepard decided to save the situation "Settle down, children," he chimed in. "Save some for the Collectors. Or the IRS."

Miranda snorted and turned away from Zaeed, her head held high. Zaeed did a silent nagging imitation after she turned, causing Shepard to grin.

They entered the Afterlife again. The bright lights and loud music made Shepard's head hurt even more than before. He glanced at the bar, but then decided not to go there again. The team then began approaching the private room of Aria, and saw a guard.

The guard raised his hand "Stop!"

'_Hammertime!' _the singer of the club's music shouted right after.

"I'm here to see Aria, like yesterday, you moron," Shepard snapped, with a clearly annoyed tone.

"Oh yeah? Prove it," the guard responded, crossing his arms.

Nice. One eager security guard. That was something Shepard desperately needed right now in this delicate, annoyed and angry state.

Shepard frowned "Prove what? Were you even here yesterday?"

The guard frowned "Well, no…"

Shepard stopped digging his pockets "So how do know that I wasn't?"

Miranda sighed loudly "This is like a debate between two chimpanzees. Aria told us that we have a free pass. You probably got the memo: A moronic man, along with his entourage, allowed free passage."

"I'm not moronic," Shepard retorted to her.

The guard frowned, looking at his omni-tool "Doesn't say that, but there is a memo about a bleating woman in a spandex outfit though, who travels with an undead Spectre." He raised his head "Guess that's you guys then. I thought that it was a joke."

"Bleating?" Miranda snapped, her cheeks blushing. Zaeed and Shepard started snickering. "I don't bleat! I worry!"

"That's what the memo says, lady."

* * *

The team was now inside Aria's office, some angrier than others. Aria was sitting on the couch again, and signaled Shepard to come closer. As Shepard approached her, she sniffed the air twice "Been enjoying my club? Especially the bar?"

Shepard sat down on the couch "Here?" he chuckled. "Can't even stand the place."

"You don't say," Aria raised her, uh, tattoo-brow.

"I hate this disco shit, or whatever it is," Shepard leaned back and put his hands behind his head "You should pay me to even come here."

"That so?" Aria asked, her eyes narrowing. "If I remember, it was you who needed my help the last time and probably still do."

"Nope," Shepard said, and tossed a data pad to the lap of Aria.

"What's this?" she asked.

"A gift. Read it."

She read the pad quickly and then threw it at the head of a batarian "Minion number 34! How did this happen?"

Minion 34, a batarian, rubbed his head. "We'll look into it," he said apologetically and bowed.

"Do it," she leaned towards the batarian "_Or I'll look into you…_"

34 took a step back in horror, then snapped a salute and ran away.

She turned back towards Shepard again "I guess I should thank you."

"Guess you should."

But she didn't thank him, and Shepard decided to remind her "Still waiting…"

"Keep waiting. You still want something?"

Shepard sighed deeply "I like my women like my coffee; cold and bitter."

Aria chuckled once "Funny," she said dryly.

"A lot of people think so."

" Maybe you should go see them then, and quickly. Your stench is going to stick in that sofa for days."

"Don't tempt me. Maybe I won't come back to save your ass again."

Aria snorted, and begun to read another datapad. Neither one of them spoke for a while, but then Aria broke the silence: "You're still here?"

"Yep. Need to find Doctor Solus."

Now she raised her head "Mordin, the salarian doctor? He's in the quarantine zone."

"Quarantine?" Shepard asked.

"We have a nice plague in there; the kill-ratio's almost hundred percent and it affects everything, except vorcha and humans."

"Good to be human then."

"Yes, it is," she answered, looking at Garrus.

Garrus didn't answer, but merely stood there, his mandibles moving slowly.

Aria turned back to Shepard "Try not to bring the plague back with you."

Shepard got up "Don't worry. You're not on my souvenir list."

* * *

The team was now approaching the quarantine zone.

"What's with the muteness?" Shepard asked Garrus teasingly, poking him to the side "Your head still hurt?"

"Yes, and that I'm probably gonna die of some nice sickness isn't helping either," Garrus muttered. "What about you?" he asked fake-cheerfully.

"Nope," Shepard said, dangling the tube of aspirin in front of Garrus.

"Son of a bitch," Garrus muttered and Shepard put the tube back to his pocket again, chuckling. "And I bet those don't work on turians?"

"Nope."

Garrus growled lowly and Shepard tapped him on the shoulder "Don't worry about the illness. You smell just like the vorcha, probably that's enough."

"Yeah, and you also look like one."

The team had now arrived to the entrance to the zone. They saw a guard arguing with a human.

"Let me in! I can't get the plague. I'm human, you ass," the human asserted.

"Nah! You're just a looter," the turian guard claimed.

"I'm not a looter! I live there!"the human alleged.

"And a liar too," asserted the turian.

The human dug her ID-card from her pocket "This is the key to my door. Now let me in."

"And a forger too."

"Let us in Jeeves, we need to talk to these vorcha," Shepard interrupted them, tapping his holstered pistol "Very loudly."

"Hmm," the turian mumbled "I guess you can go in, since you have a grenade launcher and all," he continued, shrugging.

"Wait, you're letting them in but not me? You son of a bitch!" the human snapped.

"You don't have a grenade launcher, lady. Get lost," he snapped in return, brushing her off.

"Must have a grenade launcher," the turian said blankly.

* * *

They entered the quarantine zone, and immediately saw a few vorcha fighting with a couple of turian mercenaries. Shepard's team quickly dispatched the vorcha, and the Blue Sun mercs thanked them by opening fire at them, forcing the squad to take cover. Miranda and Jacob lifted the turians up in the air, while Garrus, Zaeed and Shepard killed them one by one with their sniper rifles.

Now they noticed several bodies being burned in a huge bonfire.

Jacob sniffed the air a couple of times "Smells like chicken."

Miranda turned towards him, frowning "That is absolutely disgusting."

Zaeed looked contemplative, his hand on his chin "Hmm. Reminds me of some batarian scare tactics, except that the victims were missing thei—"

"Let's not hear that," Garrus muttered, looking even sicker than before.

"You alright?" Shepard asked him.

"Yeah, considering that I've got a hangover, am probably infected by some deadly disease, and just saw bodies burned right before my eyes."

"Right."

They marched deeper into the zone, when Garrus spoke.

"I feel hot," he muttered, waving air to his face. "No pun intended."

Then he coughed. "Oh crapola. That's not good."

They decided to pick up the pace, and ran through the zone, killing every vorcha they saw. They entered a small room, and saw two humans; a male and a female.

"Thank god! They're not vorcha or Blue Suns!" the male one cheered.

"Hi," Shepard muttered, lighting a cigarette.

"Whatta hell are you doing here, muppets?" Zaeed asked them.

"Well, we hid. Of course," the male answered.

"Shouldn't you be at the clinic?" Shepard asked, frowning.

"With that crazy doctor? No-no-no," the human answered, raising his hands in rejection. "We'll rather stay here."

"Crazy?" Shepard asked, his frowning deepening. Crazy, in his experience, usually meant more 'stab, stab, stab, kill, kill, kill', than 'ooh, pretty colors'. Maybe he shouldn't even recruit the salarian. This will not end well…

"Well, the Blue Suns tried to muscle in on his clinic, so he just killed them. First he confused them with hallucinogens and talking really fast, then he just shot them. Pop-pop-pop," the man narrated, forming a finger pistol. "Then he just returned back to work, like nothing happened."

"He's cold. Probably ex-STG," the female continued, nodding to the man.

"That's not crazy," Garrus chimed in "That's cool."

"My ugly friend is right. You should go to the clinic," Shepard said.

"No-no-no. There's vorcha, lots to walk, high places, doors, windows, traps..."

Shepard frowned "No there's not. The clinic's practically right next to this place."

The male crossed his arms "I don't trust that salarian."

Shepard sighed "You're starting to piss me off."

"Yes, intimidate them. That'll help," Miranda snorted, causing Shepard to turn towards her.

"Okay," he said, and unholstered his pistol, causing the humans to take a few steps back in horror.

Miranda lifted her hands in defeat "I give up."

"That's what my mother said," Shepard muttered, then turned back towards the two humans "You know, I feel like my trigger finger's starting to get a cramp," his pistol went off and the bullet ricocheted off the walls. The humans covered their heads in terror. "Maybe you should go?"

The humans nodded quckly, then ran out of the door.

"That was completely insane," Miranda whined again.

"I agree," Garrus said, causing the rest of the team to turn towards him. "You wasted a perfect opportunity to shoot one in the leg and say:_ Now you have a reason to visit the clinic..._"

Everyone kept staring at him, frowning.

"What? It would have been cool."

* * *

The team killed even more vorcha, and reached the clinic. The guard let them in without asking anything, so they just kept going, until they began hearing fast babbling: "No-no-no! Incompetence! How can mix up amphetamine with sedatives? Good thing that was a volus. A krogan would have been devastating! Leave! Go-go-go-go!"

Shepard's team entered the room, where the babbling came from, and saw a salarian doctor working on something at his table. There was also a volus lying on the floor.

"Doctor Solus, I presume?" Shepard asked the salarian.

Solus didn't raise his head from his work "Yes-yes-yes. What now? Very distressed. Assistant just made a large mistake. Administering amphetamine to a bipolar patient. Horrible. Had to calm the patient down," he nodded towards the volus lying on the floor. "Fools,fools,fools…" he muttered quietly.

"Yeah, that's horrible, but there's something I—"

Shepard was interrupted by the Doctor, who still didn't raise his head "Work with Cerberus? Cerberus expanding? Recruiting aliens now?"

"How did y—"

"Can see the Cerberus mark on the outfits," he nodded towards Miranda and Jacob. "Weird choice. Tight leather suits. Not practical. Then again, sexuality important to humans. Have seen the Eiffel-tower, the Big Ben. Quite phallic."

"It's Cerberus—"Miranda tried to chime in, but the Doctor interrupted her too.

"Yes-yes. Protocol," he inhaled deeply "Can smell the insecurity from even here. Trying to find comfort in rules."

Miranda scowled "I'm not insec—"

"Probably father-issues. Oedipus complex maybe?"

"What!?" Miranda's eyes widened, and her cheeks flushed "I most certainly do not have an Oedipus complex."

"Merely a guess. No need to be upset," Doctor Solus said apologetically.

Shepard's head spun, he did not know how much he understood of the conversation, or how much he even wanted to. He shook his head, and tried to pull himself together. "So will you join us, Doctor?"

"Yes, would join you, but can't. Have to cure the plague first. Have the cure, but must distribute it."

Shepard crossed his arms "I didn't come this far to become a postal worker."

"No-no. No need for bicycles or mailbags. Just need to visit one place. The central air control faculty. One problem though; guarded by Blood Pack vorcha."

"Wow. Vorcha. What a surprise," Shepard said dryly. "Wanna come with?"

Right after he asked the question, the air system shut down.

"No. As can see, must repair the system."

"Of course. There's always something," Shepard muttered bitterly. "Let's go."

"No-no-no! Almost forgot!" Mordin tapped his omni-tool, and a bright light went through Garrus. "Turians resilient. Simple immunobooster will help."

"Cool. If you now could make these scars disappear too?" Garrus asked, gesturing at his scarred face.


	7. Stories, Opinions and Soup Operas

Shepard's mighty team marched forward, destroying the vorcha and the krogan in their way. Shepard was in a bad mood, again. Nothing was ever easy.

He shot one vorcha with his assault rifle, kicked one in the groin and now he grabbed one from the throat. He began bashing the poor vorcha's head against the wall: "Why…do…I…have to…handle…everyone's…crap?"

"Crap…?" the vorcha muttered weakly, and Shepard head-butted it, rendering the vorcha unconscious.

"Pent up feelings…" Jacob remarked, poking Shepard to the ribs "You know what I'm sayin'?"

"Shut up."

The vorcha were now dead, and the team heard a human shouting "It's medicine!"

"You're trying to poison us, scumbag!" they heard a batarian voice.

The voices were coming from a room, and Shepard's team took positions at the either side of the door. Shepard peeked inside, and saw a few batarians, along with a single human. Apparently the batarians were very angry at the human about something.

"Shepard," Shepard's radio came alive.

"Who the hel—"

"Doctor Mordin Solus. Have something want to ask of you."

"How did yo—"

"Took a note from the pocket of the dark human," Mordin answered.

Miranda turned at Jacob, scowling: "You wrote our radio frequency on a paper note?"

"Yeah!" Garrus exclaimed, pointing at Jacob fiercely. Everyone turned to Garrus, puzzled at his reaction. Garrus lowered his hand and shrugged "On the second thought; I don't even give a crap. What's paper?"

Jacob tried to defend himself: "C'mon girl, those numbers are so damn hard." He began digging his pockets, and took out a huge amount of memory tags. He began reading them one by one: "Cerberus bases…the amount of personnel…Illusive Man's favourites…" he stopped at that particular tag, looking at it approvingly "Nice…"

The Illusive Man's favourites… Shepard wondered what those would be…But then he decided not to.

Miranda slapped Jacob in the face, making him drop the tags. They spread across the room. "Stop this immediately, you fool!"

Jacob rubbed his cheek, and Zaeed turned to Miranda: "You're bloody mental, lass. Not everyone sleeps with the Cerberus handbook in their Khyber Pass."

Miranda turned towards Zaeed, scowling "It's Operative Lawson."

"More like Operative Stuck-up Bitch."

"I am not a bitch! I'm just protected!" Miranda snapped. She opened her omni-tool, still growling angrily. She tapped a few buttons on it: "Interesting. Looks like that ten percent of your reward just went mysteriously missing."

"Hey! That's a low blow miss!" Zaeed protested, taking a step closer, but stopped when Miranda raised her omni-tool hand.

"I wonder if that's all that's missing…Maybe I should check?"

Zaeed bit his teeth together and his scarred face looked like that it was just about to explode. "No…need."

"…Miss Lawson," Miranda aided him.

"…Miss Lawson," Zaeed muttered angrily.

"Well done."

Mordin began speaking again, interrupting the bonding moment of the team: "Hmm. Team quite dysfunctional."

"Tell me about it," Shepard sighed.

"Don't think have much time, but will be quick: The lady, insecure—"

"I am not insecure!" Miranda snapped.

"Interruptions, interruptions, interruptions! As was saying: the dark one, lack of intelligence; Vakari—"

"No, not tell me 'tell me about it!" Shepard snapped, annoyed at the salarian's smartassery. "I meant that I agreed."

"Hmh. Could be interpreted the other way also. A simple mistake. No need to get upset."

Shepard frowned "Did you actually have something to say? This ain't Santa's goddamn hotline."

"Yes! My assistant, Daniel. Went behind vorcha lines. Tried to reach some batarians."

Shepard peeked inside the room again. "Let me guess: a dark haired human with a bag?"

"Yes-yes! Exactly the one. Have found him?"

"Yep. I'll get back to you," Shepard answered, and cut off the comm. Shepard turned towards Garrus, and signaled for him to come closer. Garrus, along with Zaeed, came with Shepard, while Miranda remained to lecture Jacob, both oblivious to the outside world.

Shepard, Garrus and Zaeed stepped inside the room, guns pointed at the batarians. "Knock, knock!" Shepard exclaimed, causing the batarians to turn towards them, their weapons drawn as well.

One of the batarians, apparently the leader, however kept his gun pointed at Daniel's head. "Nobody moves or the human gets it!"

"Put the soddin' gun down, Herbert, or you're leaving in a bag," Zaeed informed the batarian.

"Shut up, old fart!" the batarian leader retorted. "If you want the human alive, you'll do what we say!"

"You better say your prayers," Garrus chimed in and enabled the incendiary ammo "Could be your last chance."

"Shut up!" the batarian shouted, and pointed his gun at Garrus. Shepard reacted immediately, and shot the batarian to the head.

"Anyone else wants to negotiate?" he asked, pointing his gun at the remaining batarians. The batarians looked at each other in confusion, and then raised their hands to signal for their surrender. Shepard grinned, that was pretty well done.

"Oh my god! You murdered him! In cold blood!" Daniel whimpered, causing Shepard's grin to disappear.

"Take a lesson, kids; that's gratitude," Shepard mocked, gesturing at Daniel.

"Wait until Doctor Solus hears of this!" Daniel retorted and tried to storm out of the room, but Zaeed tripped him.

"Whoops! Sorry about that mate," Zaeed said fake-apologetically.

Daniel hissed, got up, and ran away.

* * *

The team entered the central faculty. Immediately a vorcha greeted them: "Leave! The Collectors want plague! We shut down machines! Break fans!"

"Me break you," Garrus retorted, and shot the vorcha in the head.

The rest of the vorcha didn't like that, so they opened fire at Shepard's team. That was, of course, a very bad move and after a few moments all the vorcha lay dead. The team walked to the air system controls and very conveniently there was a hole where the cure-tube fit perfectly.

"Why does the air system have this sort of an import system? So someone could infect the air with something?" Miranda asked, frowning.

"You're a scientist. Figure it out," Shepard remarked dryly.

They now approached the first fan control room. A couple of krogan, along with grenade launcher –armed vorcha tried to stop them. The vorcha shot their grenades towards them, but Miranda and Jacob changed the direction of the grenades biotically, making them hit the krogan. The krogan died, and the team mowed down the vorcha easily.

One of the vorcha was still alive, and Garrus walked to it, pointing his pistol at the vorchas head: "The Archangel says: You look dead-tired," then he pulled the trigger.

Apparently the 'breaking of fans' was limited to simply pressing a button that turned them off…Shepard pressed the 'turn on' –button, and the fans turned on.

"The fans are on, Shepard," Jacob remarked.

"Thanks, didn't notice," Shepard retorted. The humming could be heard easily.

The route to the second fan room was pretty much the same; vorcha, krogan, and rockets. The team handled them with ease, and turned the rest of the fans on.

"That's it? Don't these guys have a leader for us to fight?" Shepard asked, frowning.

* * *

They arrived to the clinic again, and saw Doctor Solus, along with his bitchy assistant.

"Very well done Shepard. Plague levels are dropping throughout the sector," Mordin thanked them, as he noticed their arrival.

"Professor! How can you thank these monsters? They killed that poor man in cold blood!" his whimpering assistant chimed in.

"That 'poor man' was pointing a gun at your head," Shepard remarked, pointing Daniel with a finger pistol.

"And mine," Garrus complemented.

"Shepard and Vakarian are right. The batarian threatened to kill you. Was right to kill him," Doctor Solus agreed, nodding.

Shepard raised his hand to silence him "Wait, how do you know our names? It's not like we told you…"

The salarian gave Shepard a look, like he was very stupid: "Saved the Citadel. Photos everywhere."

"Oh," Shepard muttered, embarrassed. He gestured with his hand for them to continue: "Don't mind me…"

"Professor, how can you say that? You're a doctor, you believe in helping people," Daniel replied to Doctor Solus.

"Lots of ways to help people; sometimes heal people, sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps," Mordin replied softly.

"Cool line," Garrus said, bowing approvingly.

Mordin's eyes narrowed as he looked at Garrus "Yes-yes. Have a weird fascination with saying curt things right before killing someone. Hmm…"

Garrus nodded, but then seemed to have realized something: "Oh, you mean me? Thought you meant yourself…Weird fascination?"Garrus scratched his head, confused.

But Mordin's attention was on Daniel: "Please attend to the other patients. Consider what I said."

Daniel looked very stumped, but followed Mordin's order. He quietly moved towards the door, carefully avoiding Zaeed's another tripping attempt.

"Will wrap things up here, then meet you at your ship."

"You know…" Shepard begun "You could have turned those fans on by yourself easily."

"Yeah, we didn't even get a bossfight…" Garrus complemented again.

"Probable, yes. But felt a strange sensation to stay here. Like was paralyzed," Mordin answered and turned to Shepard "Have felt something like that yourself?"

"Nope, but he has," Shepard pointed at Garrus.

"Interesting," Mordin muttered, looking contemplated.

…

Jacob, Shepard and Mordin were now inside the Normandy's briefing room.

"Looking forward to working with Cerberus. Anti-alien sentiments, secret experiments and now alien cooperation. Illusive Man branching out maybe?" Mordin babbled.

"You know the guy?" Shepard asked arms crossed.

"Only know of the name. Have still contacts in the STG. Sometimes hear things. "

"You're lucky that you don't."

Jacob cleared his throat, and began reading from a data pad: "Welcome aboard the Normandy, Doctor Solis. Your expert ice in biom…biotology will make you a real asset for the team. As the fight against the Collectors rages on, we must stay vig—"

"Please don't read that," Shepard snapped, interrupting Jacob.

Jacob shrugged, and tossed the pad away: "You probably wanna do the sciensy –stuff, Doctor Solus. Can show ya the lab."

"Yes. Wish to do the….sciensy stuff."

As the duo left the room, Shepard could faintly hear Doctor Solus asking Jacob whether he had ever tried vorcha gene therapy, and if he was willing.

Poor Jacob…

* * *

Shepard decided to let Mordin get comfortable with his brand new lab, and to visit Joker. He entered the bridge, and Joker greeted him: "Hello, Commander."

Joker was watching something from the ship's monitor.

"Whatcha watching?" Shepard asked, crossing his arms.

"Oh, just some ancient movie; it's called Austin Powers. It's an old James Bond parody," Joker answered.

"Any good?"

"Pretty funny, but this one guy is pretty annoying," he muttered, pointing at a spike-haired young man in the film. "Seen the guy in a couple of these old vids. His name's Seth Green or something..."

"Well, he's just one guy…"

"Yeah, but he sucks anyway…"

There was a short silence, and Shepard glanced around the cockpit; it was much larger than the old one, and only had one chair. Guess Cerberus didn't want to offend Joker's feelings of superiority by having him share the cockpit…

"So, how's the Normandy?"

"Bigger, better. Shinier," Joker replied, shrugging. "A second version. Like you," he then pondered his words for a moment "Except that you're not shinier. Or bigger. Or better."

"That's what I keep telling myself every morning."

Joker turned his head towards Shepard: "You do? That's depressing."

Since this one was quite the conversation-killer, Shepard decided to change the subject: "How are your legs?"

"They were broken, thanks to you. Did you scoop slam me on the escape shuttle's floor?"

"Threw you, actually. You should learn how to take a bump."

"Good advice, Captain America," Joker retorted. He paused, then continued: "So, you wanna continue this awkward man-to-man, heart-to-heart, talk-about-your-feelings –thing, or are you just stalking me?" he paused again. "Because if you are, should probably tell you that there are better targets to stalk than me…"

Shepard didn't answer immediately, but looked at the different flying instruments for a moment. "What do you think about the Team? Second version, like you said."

Joker shrugged "Jacob is weird; it's like somebody matched his personality and skills with no logic, and then put them into a randomly selected body… I mean; he looks like a bodybuilder, but has the skills of an elite assassin…and his personality…I think I could have more exciting conversations with this chair than him."

"Miranda?"

"Not gonna say anything against Miranda…She'd probably turn me into a toad or something…"

Shepard chuckled: "Zaeed?"

"You know the saying; you can make a mistake and get caught in something?" Joker asked, and Shepard nodded. "Well, it looks like Zaeed made a mistake and got caught in an explosion. His face is a mess."

"Constructive criticism. What about Garrus?"

"On the old Normandy…" Joker did a crying imitation "The C-Sec kept me down! For all my time there they kept me at the bottom of the barrel! I never got to do things my way!" The crying imitation vanished from his face. "But on here…" now he wrinkled his brow, and gave Shepard an intense look "I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out of bubblegum!" That expression vanished as well: "And if that's not disturbing enough, he sometimes speaks in third person…."

"You mean the 'Archangel says' –thing?" Shepard asked, and Joker nodded. "I've only seen that once…"

"Good for you…"

* * *

Shepard figured that Mordin must have settled in by now, so he decided to pay him a visit. He walked through the ship, several of his crew saluting him. Shepard saluted them sloppily back.

He noticed Kelly working at her terminal, and carefully tried to sneak by her.

"Commander!" she greeted him cheerfully. Apparently his sneaking skills were a bit rusty.

"Hello, Miss Chambers…" Shepard muttered a greeting, looking for a way out of this.

"I told you to call me Kelly."

"Told you to call me Shepard."

She chuckled cheerfully and covered her mouth with her hand. Her eyes seemed fixated on him. "I apologize…Shepard."

Her stare felt incredibly uncomfortable, and Shepard started shifting on his feet.

"Have you enjoyed the new Normandy?" she asked him.

"I'm not crying."

She raised an eyebrow. "Out of sadness or out of joy?" she asked with her 'psychologist-voice'.

Shepard bit his lip in annoyance. "Did you want something?"

"You're avoiding the question."

"Please stop trying to analyze me."

"Are you frightened?"

"Maybe…" Shepard put his hand on his chin, and looked contemplative: "…because this morning I had the strangest feeling…"

"Yes?" Kelly encouraged him to continue. She took out a data pad, and began writing him up.

"Well, I got up and found out that my big toe was itching…" Shepard continued, and Kelly lowered the data pad in disappointment "First I thought that it was just athlete's foot, but it wasn't. Wonder what that was…"

"You're making fun of me."

"I said you shouldn't analyze me."

She chuckled "That you did."

Damnit, she wasn't giving up easily…

"Actually, there was something I needed you to see. I arranged a poll for the whole team, but your answer is still missing…" Kelly informed him.

Shepard pointed at the lab's door: "Well I was just about to see Mordin."

"Pretty please…" she asked, staring at him with puppy-eyes.

"Argh! All right," Shepard grumbled, defeated.

Kelly gave him the data pad:

Subject ---------------------------------------------------------Likes ----------------------------------------------------------------Dislikes

Garrus --------------------------------- Kicking ass, taking names. Throwing one-liners.----------------------------------- Cold. Getting my squad killed…

Jacob----------------------------------- Taking big risks with priiizes. Chicken. Giving Collectors all kinds of hell. ----- My pa, mercs, politics.

Miranda-------------------------------- Cerberus, people who like Cerberus.------------------------------------------------- My father, people who don't like Cerberus.

Zaeed---------------------------------- Jessie. Rucks. DoOL. Money. ----------------------------------------------------------- Vido, Miranda.

Mordin---------------------------------- Biology, singing, nephew, art, helping the helpless, rationalization. ---------- Ridiculous complaints that 'insane' experiments are dangerous. Interruptions.

"Very thorough…" Shepard muttered, giving the data pad back to Kelly.

"Thank you, I simply try to do my best," she smiled and then looked at the pad. Her eyes traveled through it, and then she raised her head, looking at Shepard again "You didn't give your answer."

"Those are some very hard questions. I'll have to think about them," Shepard answered, walking towards the lab.

Kelly just stood there, confused: "But they are just about what you like…"

* * *

The door to the lab opened, and Shepard saw Mordin already working feverously. "Shepard," Mordin greeted him. "How can I help?"

"You got a moment?"

"Yes. Have managed to settle in, although EDI keeps interrupting. Says that my grammar is horrible. Fragmented sentences. Hmmh. But still refreshing to work with limitless resources again. Resources very limited on Omega."

"Again?"

Mordin gave him another of those 'you're stupid' –looks: "Yes. STG. Used to work there."

"Doing what?"

Mordin looked around carefully before he began speaking: "Probably better to tell you anyway; worked on the genophage."

Shepard frowned and repeated the question: "Doing what?"

Mordin started to pace around: "Few of years ago, the genophage started losing its effect. The krogan birthrates were rapidly rising. Would have been catastrophic."

"So you put an end to this _sacrilegious_ thing?" Shepard asked sarcastically.

"Sacrilegious? No, merely natural," Mordin corrected him.

Shepard growled angrily: "It's sarcasm. Do you even know what humor is?"

"Yes, know of humor; slapstick, parody, satire, toilet, sarcasm, irony, dry humor, banter, exaggera—"

"Forget I asked you that…" Shepard brushed him off.

"Cannot do so, cannot make the brain forget things merely because wish it so. Unless the wish is very strong. But in this case it's not."

"Continue with the damn genophage or I'm leaving!" Shepard snapped.

"Hmm. Ultimatums. Not usually the best way to make a first impression."

"See you later Mordin…" Shepard muttered, and turned to leave.

"Yes-yes. Will be here if you need anything."

* * *

Zaeed. Shepard hoped that he wouldn't piss him off any more… The door opened, and Shepard saw Zaeed sitting in the front of the security monitors.

"You stupid muppet. Can't you see she doesn't love you?" he muttered to the monitor. Apparently he didn't know that Shepard was there as well.

Shepard decided to make him pay for that mistake. "Having fun?" he asked loudly, and Zaeed jumped up from his chair.

"Shepard! Damnit!" He breathed heavily, a hand on his chest. "You gonna make me have a heart attack or what?"

"That's the plan," Shepard retorted, then he pointed at the monitor "What are you watching?"

Zaeed sat back down: "What does it look like?"

As the show he was watching went to a commercial break, Shepard saw the title screen: "Days of Our Lives? That crap's still on TV?"

Zaeed turned towards Shepard quickly: "Hey, watch it! It's a quality series."

"Bad quality."

Zaaed muttered incoherently and something flashed through Shepard's mind; Zaaed had written DoOL, as something he likes on the Kelly's report…

"Now I know what the d-o-o-l on Kelly's poll meant…"

"Aren't you a smart one? Maybe you should go to Miranda and ask for a Cerberus cookie as a reward?" Zaeed asked snappily.

"You really don't like her?"

"Don't like anyone. Some people I just hate less."

"But her more?"

"No, I goddamn love her! What the hell do you think?"

"I think you might be right…"

"Go hump a pony," Zaeed growled.

* * *

Next was Garrus' turn to enjoy of Shepard's most entertaining company. The door to the Garrus' lair, formerly known as the main battery, opened and Shepard stepped in. It was a small room, only a couple of meters wide, and in the middle of it stood Garrus. He had his back towards the door, and was working on something at the room's terminal.

"Howdy, partner," Shepard greeted him.

"Shepard," Garrus nodded, but otherwise didn't move. He still kept working at the console.

Shepard tried to peek over his shoulder to see what he was doing, but unfortunately Garrus was very much taller than him, so it proved to be impossible.

"What are you doing?" Shepard decided to ask him.

"Nothin' major…You need me for something?"

Shepard frowned "No. I just came here to ask how you are, what are you doing and so on. What do you think, moron? Yes, I wanna talk with you."

"Oh, right!" Garrus exclaimed. He turned the terminal off, and turned to Shepard. "What do you wanna talk about?"

"The weather, of course. What do you think about it?"

Garrus looked puzzled "The weather?" Shepard then lighted a cigarette, and Garrus frowned "You do know that that's not allowed in here?"

"Do you care?"

Garrus shrugged "Not really."

Shepard took out his pack of cigarettes again, and offered it to Garrus. Garrus took one cigarette, and Shepard lighted it up for him. After a few moments, the whole room was full of smoke.

"Didn't know you smoked," Shepard said to the turian.

"Don't all the tough guys?" Garrus asked, raising an exoskeleton-brow.

"Guess I'm the exception," Shepard muttered.

"You're not a tough guy?" Garrus asked, again the brow raised.

"I'm a nice guy."

"Tell that to all the people you killed today."

"Tell that to all the people I didn't. Besides…" Shepard paused, inhaling the smoke "Saved your sorry ass."

"Nah, just got shot to even the odds. Else it would have been too unfair for the mercs."

"How did you even end up in there?" Shepard asked.

"Well, it involves a story about betrayal and retribution."

"Do share," Shepard said, crossing his arms.

"All right," Garrus begun. "Once upon a time, there was a tough guy called Garrus. But see, Garrus had a huge problem; his life was boring. He was training to be a galactic super-agent, a SPECTRE, but even that was not badass enough. So, when his good friend, a badass asskicker as well, John Shepard took and died, Garrus got even more bored. He traveled to Omega, and started a one man war against all three mercenary groups on the station."

"His war went well; his already proficient skills with weapons improved drastically, he learned new catchfrases and oneliners, and his militarily gifted mind became a mind of a tactical genius. So, this all went on for a while, and his war started to attract others; old C-Sec officers, old mercs, former special forces members. And after a while; he had a team of his own, like his friend Shepard. The team wreaked havoc on the station, and the dwellers started calling Garrus the Archangel. Archangel was a religious human figure, a protector of some kind. The name pleased Garrus, so he kept it."

"Everything went well, until one member of the Archangel's team betrayed them. He was called Sidonis. Sidonis gave away the location of the team's hideout to the mercs, and lured the Archangel away. The mercs attacked, and murdered the team, leaving the Angel alone. The Archangel wanted to avenge the deaths of his men; so he attacked all the mercenary bosses at once. It backfired, and Archangel was trapped in his fortress, waiting for the inevitable death," When Garrus stopped speaking he closed his eyes and slammed his fist at his chest.

"So Sidonis betrayed you?"

Garrus slapped his hands together and pointed at Shepard "Ladies and gents, we have a winner!"

"You know where he is?"

"Nope, but I will find him," Garrus replied darkly.

"What are you gonna do?"

"Well, I thought that I could meet him, discuss what happened, why he did it and how do we both feel about that. Then we could figure out a reasonable way for him to repay for his actions."

Shepard was, and looked, surprised: "Really?"

"No," Garrus replied, with even darker tone than before. "Well, the repay-part's gonna happen, except that he won't have anything to say about that."

Shepard nodded. "You find him, and we'll deal with it."

Garrus nodded back "Thanks Shepard."

Shepard and Garrus then did an incredibly complex fist bump, and a street handshake.


	8. Knowledgeable Krogan

**And the next chapter!**

**Thanks for my betareader, Robert Falcon, who keeps fixing my errors, and giving me suggestions all the time.**

**And remember to review, or be...square.**

* * *

Hello, and Welcome to Korlus! Here in Korlus, we have a nice mix of the second greatest murders per capita in the whole Terminus Systems, scorching weather, corruption scandals, and various mercenary bands that want to kill you! Korlus is known for its recycling; basically we take decommissioned, or junked, spacecraft, and manufacture them into component parts. This business requires the heaviest of industry, and subsequently; Korlus's sky is filled with smog, and its ports with scrap.

This place was really the worst piece of trash Shepard had yet seen, and he had only been on Korlus for a few seconds. Shepard's ever increasing team, of now five members in addition to him, took cover behind a fallen pillar.

"All right," Shepard began, glancing at all of his team members. "Okeer's in here, but maybe not by choice. Assume hostiles."

"One question, Shepard," Garrus chimed in, his mandibles moving in a confused fashion. "You don't actually think that a krogan warlord, with millennia of combat experience, could be kept here against his will?"

Shepard didn't answer for a moment, he looked quite contemplative. "Well, no…I dunno I why I said that."

Mordin was on him immediately, placing various medical sensors on Shepard and tapping his omni-tool: "Obsessive-compulsive behavior…hmm."

Shepard ripped the sensors off, and tossed them back to Mordin: "Keep your damn toys to yourself! I don't have that obesity –thing."

"Yes, clearly not obese. Very fit. But meant obsessive-compulsive."

"Shut up! You're making my head hurt! Let's go."

Just as the team was about to rise, a loudspeaker sounded: "There is only one measure of success; kill or be killed!" It was a female voice.

"A loudspeaker? Classy," Garrus remarked, and the team began their unstoppable march forward.

That unstoppable march was stopped however, when the team noticed a group of enemies. The team took cover.

"Observation point ahead, Commader," Miranda pointed out, looking at Shepard. "What is our plan of action?"

"Well, I thought that maybe we could simply ask them to leave," Shepard responded.

Miranda frowned: "You are joking, yes?" And as Shepard simply looked back at her, she sighed: "A frontal attack? Against a fortified position?"

Shepard didn't reply, but quickly rose up. He began to walk towards mercs, hiding a pistol behind his back.

Shepard came to a stop. "Hi fellas!" he greeted the mercs, who turned towards him. "Mickey O'Grady from Korlus Health Inspection!" The mercs looked at Shepard a little warily, but didn't raise their weapons. Shepard glanced around, as if looking for something: "I was wondering if you've seen a guy dressed in red, riding in a sleigh pulled by a few reindeer?" The mercs now looked extremely confused, and looked at each other. As they turned their heads, Shepard opened fire, and killed them all quickly. "You probably weren't good," he muttered.

The team now caught up with him, with Mordin babbling quietly, simultaneously tapping at his omni-tool: "Hmm. Compulsive behavior. Reckless behavior. Taking high risks, with very limited gains. Not rational, not tactical. Weird how highly ranked."

"I guess this is better than on Omega with the blowing torch…" Miranda commentated, looking at the corpses of the mercs.

"Oi!" Zaeed exclaimed, and everyone turned at him. He was poking a sitting merc with his gun. "This one still has a few breaths in 'im."

They walked towards the merc, who was getting back up: "Shit…shit. It won't stop bleeding…I'm gonna…Son of a bitch!"

"He doesn't look that bad," Miranda remarked quietly to Shepard, frowning.

Mordin was again tapping his omni-tool:"Neither is he. Cannot detect any internal bleeding, or any medigel being administered by the combat armor. Merely a scratch."

"That so?" Shepard half-asked, half-stated, he approached the mercenary.

"Hahaa!" the merc exclaimed in triumph. "I knew it wasn't berserkers. Not at range. You're mercs. Or Alliance. I'm not…I'm not telling you anything."

"Well guessed. You probably deserve a reward." Shepard glanced around but didn't see any reactions from his team. "No? All right then..." He put on his 'mean' face and leaned towards the merc: "Where's Okeer?"

"Who? You already know more than I do. I just kill krogan. The old one in the lab dumps crazy ones down here all the time. Jedore hired him to make her an army, but the krogan he creates are insane, so we use them for live ammo training. It's all crap! I'm not getting paid enough to goddamn bleed out!"

Suddenly, the mercs radio came alive: "Outpost four? Jedore wants us to move. We need coordinates on the krogan pack."

"What's he talking about?" Shepard asked, frowning.

Miranda turned at Shepard: "Are you feeling all right, Commander? He did just explain that they are using the krogan as live ammo practice..."

A sudden realization went across Shepard's face, and he facepalmed. "Right..."

The merc however didn't notice: "Jedore runs a Blue Suns outlier, and she's making krogan for an army. But they all come out craz--"

He was interrupted by Zaeed poking him again: "Shut it! We don't need you to parrot yourself."

"Hmm," Mordin mumbled, his hand on his chin. "Makes no sense. Breeding facilities expensive. Extremely. Tried to manufacture one myself. Failed. Could only breed varren. Vicious bite." He suddenly seemed to realize what he was saying, since he shook his head a bit, and continued: "But that's beside the point. Point was; not worth the cost. Could have tens of soldiers with the cost of one bred krogan!"

"You can't fit tens of soldiers into the same space as you can a krogan," Garrus remarked, his exoskeleton-brow raised.

"And more importantly:" Miranda chimed in, frowning. "You tried to build a krogan breeding facility? For what purpose?"

"Let's not hear the answer," Shepard pleaded, hands raised.

He turned back to the merc, who began speaking again: "I don't know. I just point, shoot, and bank my credits. Maybe there's something better in the labs?"

"Yeah. Okeer." Shepard put on his 'mean' -face again. "By the way, your pals still need their directions. Oblige."

The merc began speaking into his radio: "Um...krogan pack sighted at post three. Yeah. Out." Then the merc lowered his head. "Son of a bitch! They're heading straight to those krogan!"

"And it's on your ass, big boy. Now limp away," Shepard retorted.

"Where am I supposed to go?" the merc asked, glancing around.

"Look, there! A nice hiding place!" Garrus shouted suddenly, pointing at something behind the merc.

The merc immediately turned: "What, where?" Garrus shoved the mercenary hard in the back, sending him straight into a pillar. The merc was knocked out immediately.

"Hmm," Mordin mumbled. "Adding insult to injury. No. Injury to injury. Literally. Necessary?"

"Yes. Was that absolutely necessary, Mr. Vakarian?" Miranda joined Mordin.

"Wonderful," Zaeed entered the conversation. "Miss Whiny-Bitch found a soul mate. How soddin' romantic..."

"Keep your tongue under control, Massani," Miranda snapped to Zaeed. She opened her omni-tool "Or else..."

Zaeed growled silently, but didn't talk back.

Garrus poked the unconscious merc: "He's not complaining." Garrus then raised one finger, as if stating the obvious. "Neither should he; it's a great honor to be knocked out by the Archangel."

…

The team continued forward, killing mercs. The woman, probably Jedore, kept shouting clichéd things over the loudspeaker, like "Death is the servant of the righteous!" or "There is nothing to fear but failure!" Suddenly however, the voice speaking in the loudspeaker changed. The voice started saying things like "Always Coca-Cola!" or "McDonald's, I'm lovin' it!"

"Whatta...?" Shepard asked in complete confusion. "Those are commercials..."

Before anyone could answer, Jedore spoke again over the loudspeaker: "Sorry about that, gentlemen. You know the financial situation of the Blue Suns...have to sell advertising space wherever we can...But now...." She cleared her throat. "Zeal is its own excuse! Cleanse! Purge! KILL!"

The team ignored those very intelligent messages, and kept marching forward. At one point, they noticed krogan fighting the mercs on top of a building. Jacob and Miranda lifted them up, and the mercs came crashing down to the ground. The fight was over.

The krogan turned to look at the newcomers, and immediately Garrus, Zaaed and Jacob pointed their guns at it. "You...are different. New. You don't smell like this world. Seven night cycles, and I have felt only the need to kill. But you...something makes me speak."

"Night cycles? Does he mean days?" Miranda asked. "He is only a week old?"

"Hmm. Probably bred full-size. Ready to fight. Don't need training," Mordin informed.

"Bred...to kill?" the krogan asked. "No. I kill because my blood and bone tell me to. But it's not why I was flushed from glass mother. Survival is what I hear in my head. Against the enemy that threatens all my kind. But I failed even before waking. That is what the voice in the water said. That is why I wait here."

Shepard could only think up one word, which exactly described the way he felt: "What?" The krogan didn't answer, and Shepard continued: "What the hell does any of that mean?"

Mordin again looked contemplative, with a hand on his chin. "The glass mother. Probably the tank the krogan was grown inside. The voice in the water. The mental images imprinted into the krogan, teaching things. The enemy. Hmm. Probably the genophage. Although does not threaten krogan. Only keeps population stable. Yes-yes. That it does." He then quickly raised up his hands. "That's what have heard. From friends. STG. Not responsible personally."

"Let's ignore that incredibly suspicious-sounding speech..." Miranda jumped in, glancing at Mordin. "The krogan might know where Okeer's lab is."

"The...glass mother. She is up. Past the broken parts. Behind many of you fleshy things. I will show you," The krogan answered, and then began moving towards a hole in the wall. The hole was covered by a large metal plate. The krogan lifted the heavy plate, gorilla pressed it a couple of times, did a few bicep curls, and then tossed it away. He was very strong.

The whole team, except Garrus, seemed to be quite impressed by this showing of strength.

"Hmmh," Garrus snorted. "I could have done that."

…

Again, the killing. It went on for a while, along with the shouts from the loudspeakers. But now the team opened a door, and behind it stood a familiar face.

"Shepard, don't shoot! You know me!" the asari scientist, the same that had worked with Saren shouted.

Shepard pointed a gun at her head. "Yeah, I know, which is why I should kill you."

"Who is she Shepard? Your ex-wife?" Miranda remarked, smirking slightly.

"Fuck you," Shepard snapped. He pointed at a railing of a bridge near them. "Go try out how big that fall is. Let me know."

Miranda crossed her arms and snorted, but did neither move, nor answer.

"I shut down the security cams as soon as I saw it was you. Never thought I'd say it, but I'm glad it's you shooting up the place," Rana, the asari scientist spoke up.

"Cut the damn chit-chat," Shepard snapped to her. "What the hell's going on here?"

"I'm trying to use whatever I learned on Virmire in here. Not for the mercs, but for Okeer. He's trying to do something good, even if his methods are a little...extreme." Her tone then became much lighter, and she put a charming smile on her face "Everyone deserves a second chance. Right? And sometimes giving one pays off. I take care of my debts."

"Something good? Considering his reputation, I doubt it is that," Miranda remarked.

"It's complicated. Jedore wants a private army, but Okeer mostly ignores her. He's running the project for his own reasons. I created a mental impr--"

"Stop with the sciensy-crap!" Shepard snapped, raising his hand. "You don't even know what you are doing here?"

Rana considered the question for a second, then shook her head.

"How the hell did you outrun the blast anyway?" Shepard asked next.

"Well...I just ran fast," Rana answered, shrugging.

"What are you, a long-distance runner now?" Shepard asked snappily, and Rana shrugged again. "Tell you what; since it was so easy for you escape the last time, and you believe in second chances..." Shepard lowered his gun and shot her in the leg. "That'll make escaping a bit harder this time..."

Rana rose back to her feet, holding her leg. "You shot me! You monster!"

"And then some."

Rana limped away, and Mordin watched after her. "Should have killed her. Too much knowledge without ethical boundaries."

Shepard frowned extremely deeply. "Says you, Mr. Genophage."

…

The next door opened, and behind it was a large krogan. "It's about time!" the krogan saluted them. "I've watched your progress. It excited me...greatly..." Suddenly, the krogans eyes stared emptily at Shepard.

"You Okeer? I wanna--. No, I _wanted _to have you in my team. Now, I'm not so sure..."

"Team up with Shepard, the destroyer of the genophage cure on Virmire?"

"Right. That," Shepard muttered. "That probably doesn't make me look like a guy you wanna team up with..."

"But I approve. It was the right decision," Okeer answered, and Shepard frowned. "The krogan should not try to cure the genophage!"

"They shouldn't?" Shepard asked in disbelief.

"No. The krogan should overcome the genophage. Ignore it. That is the krogan way."

"Sounds like the advice my grade school teacher gave me, when one of my classmates was bullying me..." Shepard retorted. He imitated a woman's voice: "Just ignore him!"

Okeer brushed him off. "Bah! To outsiders, maybe!" He stared at a krogan inside a tank filled with some liquid. "This perfect krogan will not restore us, but will renew us!

"Attention minions!" Jedore suddenly shouted over the speakers. "Okeer is doing something fishy, and you know what the punishment for that is; death by gas!"

Green gas started coming from the pipes, and Okeer looked surprised. "Rah! How weak! Jedore wishes to destroy anything she can't control!" He turned to Shepard: "Shepard, you must stop her! I will stay here and do what I must..."

"And what's that? Sit here in this gas and die?"

Okeer nodded "Yes. And record a message for you."

"Nice. It's good to be remembered...Let's go."

…

Jedore was rather hard to kill; she had tens of tank-bred krogan with her, along with two heavy mechs. Garrus and Miranda managed to overload the mechs' shields, and when Mordin worked some of that incinerate-mojo the existence of the mechs ended rather violently. Mordin, Zaeed, Miranda and Jacob fought the krogan, while Garrus and Shepard took Jedore one-on-two...

She was pretty tough; she had tech armor, combat armor, strong kinetic shields, and a rocket launcher. A nice combination.

Shepard and Garrus took cover behind a cargo box, and could hear the rockets exploding against it.

"I hate rockets..." Garrus muttered angrily.

"Tell that to the broad," Shepard replied, pointing at Jedore with his thumb.

"I'll send her a note...in a form of a bullet..."

Shepard bit his lip. There had been something about Garrus he had wondered for a while, so he decided to ask him. "Garrus, one question..." Shepard half-asked, half-stated, and Garrus nodded. Shepard continued: "Have you learned some 'Human Pop-culture for Dummies' -book by heart or something? It sure sounds like it..."

Garrus laughed nervously. "Of course not!"

Shepard sighed, and looked back at Jedore. "Right..."

Jedore kept firing at them with her shotgun, and her rocket launcher in turns, keeping the power duo pinned down. At times, she would shout out things like "Death be thy compass!" or "Excuses are the refuge of the weak!"

Shepard fired blindly at Jedore and turned to Garrus. "Any suggestions?"

"Yeah, tens. None of them work."

Shepard nodded. Garrus and Shepard looked at each other, and suddenly it felt like they were linked, like they understood each other perfectly. An enlightened smile came to Shepard's face, and Garrus' mandibles moved in a same kind of fashion. "Frontal attack?" Shepard asked, and Garrus nodded.

Garrus and Shepard immediately got up, and started running towards Jedore, bellowing their battle cries, guns blazing. The sight caught Jedore by surprise, and she was simply overwhelmed. After a moment, she laid on the ground, with Shepard and Garrus towering over her.

"Jedore," Garrus began. "You are hereby sentenced to death for shouting extremely clichéd, and bad one-liners. The Archangel considers this a personal insult. Do you have anything to say to your defense?"

"Screw you, turian! And screw you!" Jedore yelled back, and spitted at Shepard's feet.

Shepard shrugged. "Well that's not gonna sway any judges..." He pointed his pistol at Jedore's head, as did Garrus. They fired, and the ears and sanity of the world thanked them.

…

They went back to the lab again, and could see Okeer lying before a terminal. A recording was running.

"Shepard. I made deals with the Collectors to build this one perfect krogan, though I do not know why they'd want humans. All that I know of the Collectors is imprinted into this perfect krogan. This krogan...my legacy...this perfect soldier, this grunt. Perfectly formed muscles...Perfect quad...Ah...Quad...Urgh.."

"That was quite..." Miranda started, but seemed to not find a suitable word to describe the speech.

"Vomit-invoking," Garrus suggested, and Miranda nodded in approval.

Before them stood the tank, filled with a krogan. Apparently the krogan was perfect in some way incomprehensible, but at least now he didn't look that much different. Yes, he was distinctively different to other krogan, and could easily be recognized, but he didn't shine or have a halo over his head or something...He was just a krogan.

Jacob and Zaeed were now examining the tank. "Wonderful, a krogan in an aquarium."

"This is heavy, man," Jacob informed, trying to lift the tank off the ground. "How're we gonna get this big boy on board? Shepard-dawg?"

Shepard shrugged, and begun to order a ride for them.

…

Shepard stepped inside the briefing room, where the whole team was already waiting for him. Miranda and Jacob were arguing about something...

"We cannot open the tank! It is against Cerberus protocol! Not to mention, that it is completely reckless!" Miranda snapped to Jacob.

"C'mon girl!" Jacob retorted. "Krogan fight tough! It'll be aiight..."

"That is quite the argument, Jacob," Miranda snorted, and crossed her arms

"What the hell's the problem now?" Shepard asked them both snappily.

"Jacob wants to unleash the krogan! Which is completely irresponsible!" Miranda answered, glaring at Jacob.

"Hey man! Miranda wants to give the krogan to Cerberus! You don't want that man, don't you?" Jacob retorted.

"You're part of Cerberus too!" Miranda remarked.

"Yeah, but I wanna win this argument," Jacob said, shrugging.

"You're making me insane!" Miranda now almost yelled back at him. She turned to Shepard "We can't unleash the krogan. It's against Cerberus policy! We have to give him to Cerberus, the krogan will be more useful that way."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop yapping," Shepard muttered, brushing her off.

Miranda frowned. "You can't seriously be thinking about this!"

"I can't seriously think at all with you bitching."

Miranda sighed in defeat. "I give up. At least inform the rest of us to come with you if you decide to open the tank."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. The meeting's done."

…

Shepard was standing in front of the tank, along with the rest of his team. Not. He was alone, and started pressing buttons to open the tank. Before he could finish, EDI popped up.

"You do know that you're going completely against the recommendations given by Miss Lawson. Quite reckless."

"Yep." Shepard muttered, ignoring EDI. He kept pressing the buttons.

"And you do know that this is completely against Cerberus protocol?"

"Yes," Shepard answered, still ignoring her. He continued pressing the buttons.

"There is something you don't know, Commander..." EDI begun, but didn't end her sentence.

"What?" Shepard snapped. This was starting to get annoying. First Miranda would question him, then his own ship would...

"You do not know how to open the tank, do you?" EDI asked. Although she was a machine, the amusement could clearly be heard in her voice.

Shepard stopped pressing the buttons. "No, I don't. Please help."

The tank began to make weird noises, which probably meant that it was opening. The liquid within drained, and the door opened. The krogan fell to his knee, coughing out the liquid. The krogan noticed Shepard, and stared at him for a second. Then he roared, grabbed Shepard, and slammed him against the wall. "Human, male," the krogan spoke. "Before you die, I need a name."

"John Wayne. What the hell do you care about my name?" Shepard asked.

"Not your name, mine. I know things, the tank showed me, but Okeer couldn't implant connection, his words are hollow..." The krogan now looked contemplative, or at least as contemplative as a krogan could "Legacy, Soldier, Grunt, Muscles....Quad...No! Definitely not Quad. Grunt...Grunt sounds good."

"What about...Hole?" Shepard asked.

"Hmmh?" Grunt mumbled, and Shepard started firing the pistol he had secretly managed to pull out. He kept firing at the krogan, who staggered backwards. Shepard fired a couple more shots, and then stopped. He still kept looking at the krogan through the sights, who was flexing his neck and fingers. "Offer one hand and arm the other. Perhaps you are worthy enough to follow?"

"Don't know about that, but I have pretty good aim."

The krogan shrugged. "Hmm. That's acceptable. I'll follow you. Hmmh, I'd follow a kumquat if it'd lead me to a fight."

Shepard lowered and holstered his pistol. "Good, but give me a warning the next time you wanna try out some wrestling move you saw on TV." Grunt nodded, and Shepard continued. "So, you have those imprints? Know anything about humans?"

Grunt put his hand on his forehead. It looked as if he was trying to remember something. "I see three mighty human warriors...Arnold Schwarzenegger? Sylvester Stallone? Bruce Willis? I have all of their adventures imprinted in me...Hmm...Entertaining...Hmm...What's pro wrestling? Oh!"

Shepard blinked, and frowned "You have action movies and pro wrestling inside your head?"

"Don't know what you mean. Hmm... These three humans are quite forceful...They say interesting things...I'll be back...Hahaa! He drove his shiny wheel thing through the wall!"

"I'm feeling pretty unreal. I should go rest..." Shepard said.

"Bah!" Grunt snorted, brushing Shepard off with his huge hand. As Shepard was leaving he could see Grunt flexing in front of a mirror. "Whatcha gonna do when Grunt comes at you, brother!"


	9. Incarnation of Violence

**Dunno when was the last time I updated this one... Hmm... Have had other projects. Apologies for that... Still do have other projects... No idea.**

**Thanks to my beta, RobertFalcon. **

**Lets get this started,bitches... **

* * *

Krogan with temper problems. Insecure woman. Dumb man. Doctor responsible for a genocide. Callous and cruel turian. VERY callous and cruel man.

No, this was not the entry list of a local asylum, but the members of the team responsible for the whole galaxy. Or at least saving it... And the list wouldn't even end there; the next target on their recruit list was a man called Jack... A very powerful biotic, with, of course, temper problems, callous nature, probably responsible for a genocide, and probably insecurities... He was most likely dumb as well, especially if he wanted to join this madhouse...

As the airlock opened, the brave and heroic Commander Shepard sighed. This all was beginning to be quite normal to him; picking up crazies, that is.

And, of course, the day was getting better and better.

His eyes rose from the floor, and found a turian guard standing before him at the airlock. "Commander Shepard?"

"Yeah," Shepard answered, voice raspy. His head throbbed, his body felt weak, and he was covered in sweat. Shepard put his hand on his stomach; something was whirling inside him, causing his body to weaken even more. His mouth tasted horrible, for he had had no time to brush his teeth, 'cause Miranda had almost dragged him out of bed to come get this Jack... Complaining, whining, moaning... Shepard was starting to become very good at all this bitterness...

"You need relinquish your weapons before proceeding," the guard informed him.

Shepard sighed. "I don't really feel like it."

The turian gestured something for his men, and they pointed their weapons at Shepard's team. "You must. If you don't, you can't come in..." the turian said ominously.

"Fine..." Shepard muttered, unholstered his pistol, and pointed it at the turian. "I can't come up with anything witty. Anyone?" Shepard asked his crew.

"Ammo first?" Garrus suggested, and Shepard nodded in approval.

The two sides stood in a standout for a few seconds, then a door opened. "What is the meaning of this?" the turian stepping in asked.

"They won't give us their weapons..." the turian guard moaned, still pointing his gun at Shepard.

"You need to give your weapons away," the turian who had entered stated. Apparently he was in charge.

"Who the hell are you, mate?" Zaeed asked the turian.

"Warden Kuril."

"We're not gonna give our weapons away..." Shepard said to the Warden.

Then the epic stare down began. Shepard's eyes locked with Warden's, the Warden's eyes locked with Shepard's. Shepard wasn't sure if this was some proper procedure of the Purgatory; to stare down visitors to get them to give up their weapons... Truthfully, he didn't care. And his stare reflected that.

The Warden blinked, and the battle of wills was over. "Damn it!" the Warden snapped. "Let them keep their weapons! We can handle a few armed visitors!"

He gestured for the team to follow him, and follow him they did.

…

They walked along a corridor, with Kuril leading them forward. At the both walls lining the corridor had windows, windows showing small rooms. Cells. And their occupants.

One cell in particular caught Shepard's attention. "Garrus, look at those..." he said to the turian next to him, pointing at that very cell he was looking at.

Garrus turned his head towards the cell now, and his mandibles spread wide. "Those are those space...things that stole that disk..."

Truly, inside the cell were three space monkeys, the very same that had taken the module off the intelligence probe... In a prison ship? "Wonder why those are here..." Shepard muttered.

Which caused for Kuril to turn his head towards him. "They stole Alliance property. A disc of some sort."

"Ok..." Shepard muttered, deciding that he had had enough... He'd just be quiet now... Animals in prison...

And luckily, he didn't even have to speak... Miranda spoke enough for the whole team. "What can you tell us about Jack?" she asked of the Warden.

The warden came to a halt, and he suddenly looked scared. "Jack is an...incarnation of violence. Jack is the most violent being I have ever seen."

Great. That was exactly what Shepard wanted to hear. Jack was definitely someone he needed on this mission...

Even Miranda was a bit struck. "Oh," was the only thing she could utter.

They kept walking forward, at one point seeing one prisoner with a face mask on, continuously calling for someone named Clarice... Weird.

They stopped at an intersection. "To the right is the holding area. Wait there for the release of the prisoner," Kurik informed. "Oh, and to the left is a prisoner getting beaten the crap out of him. Feel free to help." After saying the line, he walked away and disappeared.

And truly, to the left was two guards _interrogating _a prisoner. Rather harshly. One guard was punching and kicking a prisoner laying on the ground, while the other simply watched. Second glance at the prisoner revealed that his hands were tied. He was defenseless.

"Man that's nasty!" Jacob shouted out loud. "That ain't right Shepard."

"Yes," Mordin joined in his plea. "Should not use blunt force. Are more effective ways to extract information." Or not. "Have used various chemica-"

"Let's NOT hear that!" Shepard snapped, grimacing, raising his hand to stress his point.

"I want to hear!" the newest member of the team, Grunt, chimed in.

"Don't yell, Quad, or whatever your name is," Zaeed said, looking at Grunt from under his brow.

"It's GRUNT!" the krogan roared loudly, now staring at Zaeed to the eyes, terror filling them. "Okeer filled my head with his imprints of quads! No more! No Quad! Never Quad!"

"Shut up!" Shepard yelled, covering his face with his hands. He was starting to really loose it… Maybe that was the Illusive Man's plan? To drive him crazy? It sure as hell looked like it. But apparently he still had some authority left in his drunken, broken and pathetic self, since all the noise stopped. Shepard sighed, took a deep breath, and walked next to the guard overseeing the interrogation. "That guy pissed in your coffee or something?" Shepard asked the guard, giving him a tired look.

"No, not really," the guard answered casually. "We are just having a bit of fun."

"Do something else," Shepard replied to him, his voice now hardened, his mean-face on.

The turian guard, like the other guards on the station, seemed to look for confrontation. "Piss off, human!"

"You little…" Something inside Shepard boiled over. The combination of his annoying team, this annoying mission, and the state he was in… It was all just too much. His teeth clenched together.

And a second later, when he came to his senses, the turian laid on the ground, unconscious. The other guard had also stopped the interrogation, and stared at Shepard, terror on his face. Shepard found himself pointing at the turian with his finger.

"Hahaa!" a roaring voice yelled in cheer. "Shepard's haymaker of doom!" It was Grunt, very excited.

And, like always, Miranda had to speak as well. "Do you solve all your problems with violence?"

Shepard turned his head at her. "Shut up!" he snapped at her with so much anger, that even her, the ice queen, flinched.

Shepard turned away, walked away. And smiled.

…

They entered the market area now, marching towards a door at the end of it, as per instructions. They reached the door, which opened, revealing a cell.

"This looks great…" Garrus muttered, looking at the cell with that same bored look Shepard knew he himself wore often recently… And he agreed. It sure looked great…

And soon, the voice of the Warden affirmed his suspicions. "Ah! Commander Shepard! I see you have found your way to your future accommodations?"

Shepard turned his gaze to the ceiling. "Cut the bullshit, Kuril! What the hell's going on?"

"I'm gonna sell you. You're quite valuable."

Teeth clenched against each other again, Shepard stared at the ceiling fiercely. "I have a demand for you, Kuril."

"Ha!" Kuril chuckled. "You are in no position to make any demands."

"Here's the demand: Give us Jack, and let us leave. Now. "

"How about…" Kuril replied, mockery in his voice. "No."

"Suit yourself," Shepard replied dryly, drawing his pistol, blasting the loudspeaker away with it. Several guards entered the room following the explosion, but the might of Team Shepard was too much for them, and they perished quite violently.

The team ran through the corridors, destroying all of their would-be captors standing in their way. They entered a room, a small console at the middle, surrounded by seven guards. All the guards turned at the door as it opened, and looked extremely surprised to see Shepard's team.

The closest guard tried to lift his gun at Shepard, who slapped the gun away from the turian, then threw a left hook at his head. The turian staggered to the right by the force of the impact, allowing Shepard to knee the turian to the groin. The turian gasped, beginning to bend over, and Shepard head butted the turian. Immediately after, he realized how stupid that had been, the pain in his forehead stressing the point. "Bad move, bad move…" he muttered, holding his forehead.

From between his fingers, he saw Grunt scoop slamming another turian to the floor, then dropping an elbow at his chest. That had to hurt…

Then he saw Garrus and one other guard standing face to face, with Garrus having drawn his pistol. Garrus said: "Too slow," and shot him.

Mordin threw something at one human's feet, and a large gas cloud appeared. The human looked extremely disoriented, and Mordin handed him the pistol the human had just dropped. The human shot himself in the head with it.

Zaeed perforated one guard with a terrifyingly long burst from his assault rifle… Yep, the turian died.

Then Jacob lifted two guards up in the air, and Miranda made them explode, with great disinterest. The epic battle was over.

And the whole team stood around the console. "Hmm," Miranda mumbled, standing before the console, tapping at it "Apparently you have to open all the cell doors to free Jack."

"Can't we just open one?" Shepard asked her, frowning.

"Maybe," she replied. "If we had a technical specialist…"

And one person floated into Shepard's mind… A person with a graceful build, slim waist, wide hips…Then he realized someone poking him at the side. Jacob.

"Pent up feelings, Commander!" he said, grinning widely, still poking him.

"Shut it!" Shepard snapped at him, causing Jacob to stop the poking, but not the grinning. How did he know again…? Shit. Shepard rubbed his forehead in great mental pain. "Open the damn doors."

A press of a button, and something began to happen. A pod rose up from the ground, and then opened. Inside it was a bald, tattooed woman. Not a demon or something Warden had described him... her. "Jack's small," Grunt stated, a bit of disappointment in his voice.

"And a girl," Zaeed continued, his voice disappointed too.

Then Jack woke up. Her eyes opened, then she quickly tore off her restraints, only to notice being surrounded by three heavy mechs… That was bad. "Uh-uh," Garrus said, echoing Shepard's thoughts. But then Jack charged forward, roaring as she did, blue energy flickering all around her. She practically ran through one mech, kicked one, and punched one… Then she ran through a wall. The team simply stared at the sight in awe. "Hope they got insurance," Garrus muttered quietly.

"We are supposed to take her aboard the ship?" Shepard asked to no one in particular, his eyes wide… If Jack had a temper tantrum, they were all screwed.

"A good plan!" Grunt cheered, apparently not realizing that it had been a question, running towards a door on the left. "C'mon! I want to see what she can do!"

…

And see they did. Jack left behind her a horrible trail of destruction and the station was basically falling apart… Also having released all the prisoners wasn't helping the situation. The team just ran forward as fast as they could, shooting everything that moved… Mechs, prisoners, guards… Everything. But they didn't actually kill much, since Jack had killed almost everything.

They ran and ran, until saw a horribly mutilated corpse of a guard on the ground. "Hmmh," Mordin muttered, a hand on his chin. "Very brutal. Indicates great resentment towards guards. Abuse of prisoners probably common."

"They're criminals," Garrus responded strictly. "They chose to be here."

Mordin took a bottle of pills from his pocket. "Hmmh. Wish to try one? Anti-depressant. Might create more of a positive attitude. Could help with callousness."

"What?" Garrus asked in confusion.

"Shut it, let's go," Shepard snarled, walking forward. And with a bit of disappointment, Mordin put the bottle back to his pocket.

They went through another door, and saw two prisoners before them crouching behind a few crates. Suddenly, the head of the other of them exploded, blood flying everywhere.

They heard a loud, frustrated growl, and a weapon sounding off. The other prisoner's head exploded as well. "Shepard!" a voice called for the Commander. Shepard turned towards the direction of the voice, and saw Warden Kuril. "You have destroyed my ship! You have ruined everything!"

"Yeah, well…" Shepard muttered, now lighting a cigarette for the first time in the Purgatory. "I really didn't like the decor of that cell."

"At least I can recapture Jack! You are too much trouble!" Kuril turned his head towards something on his left. "Kill them!"

Apparently they were his minions, since a squad of mercenaries immediately began firing at Team Shepard. They duck down behind the crates, and began planning for their counter-attack. Or at least some of them were…" Any plan of action, Commander?" Miranda asked Shepard, who had ducked down next to her.

"I was thinking about smoking this cigarette," Shepard replied, casually leaning against a crate, taking long draws from the tobacco in his hand.

"We are in the middle of a battle! Can't you do it later?" Miranda asked, her face starting grimace with anger.

Shepard glanced at her, puffing a large amount of smoke at her direction. "This is a pretty good cigarette."

"Look out Shepard!" a voice shouted, but a bit too late, since right after Shepard turned to the voice, a rocket hit the crate he was hiding behind. The blow threw him forward, over his head, and he remained on the floor, lying on his back. Shepard sighed, then glanced around, trying to find his smoke. He couldn't. "Assholes…" he muttered, climbing back to his feet. "Miranda!" he barked to his second in command, who turned to him, waiting for an order. "You, Jacob, Zaeed. Go right. Kill them all," Shepard ordered, his voice dripping with anger.

"Yes, Commander," she replied, giving him a nod. After a moment, Miranda, followed by Zaeed and Jacob ran by him, heading to the right bridge. Shepard gestured for Grunt and Garrus to follow him.

They ran to the bridge almost right next to them, dodging bullets, jumping from cover to cover. Shepard stood behind a tall crate with Garrus right behind him, both firing a few blind shots at the mercs, while Grunt was at the opposite side. "Garrus! How many?" Shepard asked the turian, yelling, simultaneously firing a blind burst at the mercs.

Garrus shrugged, then leaned out of the cover, his rifle drawn. One shot sounded, and Garrus leaned back in. "Nine now."

Shepard merely grumbled as an answer, poked his head out by himself for a split second, seeing the way they were stationed. He draw his pistol, and surged out of the cover, firing five shots in quick succession. And then back to cover. He turned to Garrus, a smirk on his face. "Four now."

Garrus just snorted.

"Grunt, charge!" Shepard ordered ignoring Garrus' purrs, then surged out from behind the cover himself, Garrus tailing him right after. Grunt ran towards the mercs, tackling one to the ground and lifting one over his head, tossing him at his comrades. Garrus fired his pistol at the downed mercs, ending their pathetic struggles.

Then a shot hit Grunt to his armor, toppling him over. The shot came from the Warden, who apparently was very angry at all this destruction. "You ruin everything, Shepard! You are worse than my first wife!"

"But prettier," Garrus retorted and fired a few shots from his pistol at the warden, only to be ricocheted away by his shields.

The warden fired his shotgun at Garrus, who also fell backwards from the impact. Then Shepard tried to pull his pistol at Kuril, who hit his weapon away. Shepard countered by throwing a hook at the warden's head, barely staggering the turian. The Warden rewarded Shepard for his efforts with a kick to the stomach, dropping him to his knees. Now Warden pointed his gun at Shepard's head. "At least I get the satisfaction of killing you."

And then Shepard saw a leg, hitting the Warden directly to the groin from behind. He yelled in pain, dropping his shotgun, and then dropping down to his knees as well. Behind him stood Miranda, Zaeed and Jacob, all pointing their weapons at the Warden. "Oh crap," the Warden muttered, and the shooting began. In the end, Kuril looked like Swiss cheese.

Miranda handed Shepard her hand, and pulled him back to his feet. "You're welcome, Commander," she said, with a satisfied smirk on her face.

Shepard just growled. Great, he was saved by Miranda… He was going to hear of this a lot...

…

They ran forward, again, but now towards the shuttle bay of the station. And, suddenly, saw a bald-headed woman tossing one guard to the wall, and one to the window. She then glanced at the window, and apparently saw something she didn't like, because she started roaring again, holding her head. Truly a stabilizing element. That's what Shepard needed...

But there were larger problems now; another guard was approaching her from behind, weapon drawn. But Shepard was faster, and the guard fell dead, a bullet in his brain. That also caught the attention of the bald-headed woman. "Jack?" Shepard asked, lowering his pistol.

"Who the fuck are you?" Jack asked, her voice clearly angry.

"The one who saved your ass, honey," maybe his voice was calm, but he still didn't dare to holster his pistol.

Jack glanced at the guard laying dead behind her. "Don't need any help. He was already dead. Just didn't know it. _Honey."_

"Charming," Miranda said, crossing her arms.

Jack glanced at Miranda's outfit, and sneered. "The fuck are you? You running a fucking bondage club or something?"

Shepard snickered. "That's what I asked."

Miranda was not pleased though, she just scowled.

Then a large grumble, followed by a shake interrupted them. They had to hurry. "We need to get back to the ship. And we need you to come with us, Jack," Shepard said, keeping his eyes at her.

"To a Cerberus vessel? Fuck that!"

"The other option is to get spaced and blown to pieces," Garrus advised.

"Seems better to spending time with you freaks."

Shepard sighed. "Okay!" He pointed his gun at Jack. "I'm trying to be friendly, but that doesn't seem to work. So let's be enemies!"

"You don't wanna do that," Garrus said, having drawn his pistol as well. "They tend to die."

"Violently," Zaaed complemented him, weapon pointed as well.

"Or get punched," Mordin continued, his omnitool ready.

"Hard," Grunt growled, popping his knuckles.

"…bitch," Jacob finished the chain.

"Pfft!" Jack snorted, brushing their threats away. "Make it worth my time. Give me access to all Cerberus files."

Shepard sighed again. "Fine."

"Shepard! You can't do that, it's aga—" Miranda tried to chime in, but Shepard interrupted her.

"Excellent! Let's go!"

"Yeah, let's," Jack growled.

As the team turned to walk towards the shuttle, Shepard heard a snap from behind him. "What are you looking at, frog?" It was Jack.

Great.

…

Again. Debriefing. Good times. Or not.

More of the latter… "Welcome to the Normandy, Subject Zero," Miranda greeted Jack, hands behind her back, scornful scowl on her face. Jack just looked bored, which just made Miranda's scowl even deeper. "On this ship, we follow orders. Understood?" her tone made it clear that she didn't care much for Jack.

Jack just kept looking bored, but now a bit more angry. She turned at Shepard, completely ignoring Miranda. "Tell her to fuck off, Shepard."

"I have. Many times," Shepard replied, arms crossed. "She doesn't listen."

"Whatever," Jack replied, brushing him off. "Give the damn files. Or I'm walking out of here. Through that wall." She pointed at the wall near her.

Shepard didn't even want to know if she was serious. "Give her the files, Miranda."

The order seemed to aggravate Miranda even more, who looked like she was ready to explode. "You are going to regret this, Commander…"

"Shut up, cheerleader," Jack growled, smirking. "Do what your master tells you to do."

"Fine," Miranda snapped, turning towards the door, Jack following her. "...stupid."

"Bitch," Jack retorted, her eyes locking with Miranda's.

"I'm less of a bitch than you are stupid."

"That still makes you a bitch, bitch."

Miranda's eyes squeezed close, her facial muscles tensed... And gladly, the door shut.

"Woo!" Jacob cheered. "A catfight coming up!"

…


End file.
